Saturday 9 March 2013

death in its own right

tonight i am torn between writing something else (that's pretty important) and writing here (that's also important). and as in the case when i can't quite decide what to do, i pick the alternative that would allow me to sleep better at night. except that in this case, i cave in to temptation and pick the easier task out of the two. laziness at nearly 10pm at night is forgivable yes?

i thought i had erased all memories in relation to a particular thing, a particular someone, once upon a time. i thought i had mourned the death of this thing. i thought i had moved on. and i was told (by people who are close to me, so yes, this is very biased) that in a lot of ways i have been. i feel like in a lot of ways i have been, but i have not been tested in this regard. that test happened. it is bound to happen, just like everything else in this life.

in our minds we do not want something we dislike to consume our feelings and our thoughts, but insofar as we are human beings, we are somewhat at the mercy of our own feelings and thoughts. emotions can empower and at the same time, they can cripple. and oh i hate that they can do this, or, what i really should have said, oh i hate how i let them have this kind of impact on me. sometimes, despite the best of intentions, things happened because you let them happen. trying to reconcile this with "everything is as it should be" is a spiral of contradiction. how is it possible that you are in control of your own fate as much as you are not.

maybe there are certain things in this life that are meant to be our own Achilles hell. maybe there are certain things that just happen in this life no matter how hard we want them not to. maybe in certain things, we do not have the luxury of choosing, nor the liberty to not choose. maybe we are helpless and we are too scared to admit it. because admitting it would mean we are surrendering to fate, and who wants that, right? right?

preamble: how we let people go

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