Friday 28 December 2012

Ah holidays

Sometimes I question the point of holidays, especially on the days whereby I have lost absolutely all sense of rhythm that I worked so hard to establish previously. It is like I almost always promptly got sick every time the holidays are here because my body goes all weird and says: "Oh hi! So you are taking a break, great, me too! I am going to get sick!" with no regard whatsoever to the fact that I do not want to get sick during my holidays. This pattern happens, and then I wonder how anyone in this planet not become a workaholic, especially if they claim to be so fucking passionate of the work that they do (the kind that makes them extremely annoyed if they have to go to bed). The same kind of people who do not want to have a holiday because that means taking them away from their passion, so they just conveniently take their passion with them on their so-called holidays. I wonder if that still qualifies as a holiday if one is still working?

Is it just me so is it actually harder to do certain things during the holidays? Like it is harder, for example, to wake up early and it is harder to go to the gym, and to stay on one's training program (not that I have one). Plus the endless temptation to eat all of these things because now you have all the time in the world to find wherever these things are located. And yeah, dim sum tastes a million times better when you are eating it in a massive table with your friends. The days do go faster when your best friend spends the whole day with you and tells you that you are a great cook. And yeah, it's kinda hard to fit everyone in because there is like so many things you gotta do with so many people you haven't seen for ages and it's like okay, I really don't know how to do this, and given that my time is limited, I said that one syllable word that starts with n and ends with an o and hope that no one gets accidentally offended by that.

Chance is that, if they really are my friend, then they will understand - as is always the case of things like this in life. And because of that, you are more likely to make time for these understanding people and dare I not say that this is how we become friends in the first place. As for others, oh well, life goes on and the world still spins, the sun still rises in the east and when we get the chance, we may see each other again.


Tuesday 25 December 2012

Child in Red

by Rainer Maria Rilke

Sometimes she walks through the village in her
little red dress
all absorbed in restraining herself,
and yet, despite herself, she seems to move
according to the rhythm of her life to come.

She runs a bit, hesitates, stops,
half-turns around...
and, all while dreaming, shakes her head
for or against.

Then she dances a few steps
that she invents and forgets,
no doubt finding out that life
moves on too fast.

It's not so much that she steps out
of the small body enclosing her,
but that all she carries in herself
frolics and ferments.

It's this dress that she'll remember
later in a sweet surrender;
when her whole life is full of risks,
the little red dress will always seem right.

***
Have a lovely Christmas. xx

Sunday 23 December 2012

Make (me) Up

I can't help wondering whether men feels somewhat rather cheated when they see their women without make up for the first time. Would you consider wearing make up as false advertising?

Just like any form of advertising, women spend a lot of money on make up, like $7billion dollars a year. And like often in the case of advertising, the product is made to look better than it actually is: more glamorous, more appealing, more attractive. Advertisers must be one of the most optimistically delusional people in this planet. When there is that much money involved, I guess this sort of trait is commonly learnt. 

A lot of men that I have come across in life have expressed in one way or another that they prefer to natural look. Most of them have an aversion to women with too much make up. However they are somewhat indifferent to women with natural make up. So we women spend so much money and time to look natural. Why don't we just bypass the make up altogether? 

I don't know the answer to that. But there are some answers here.



Friday 21 December 2012

Everything is as it should be

One of the movies that stick with me is Sliding Doors. I don't think I have ever watched it from beginning to end, but my sister told me about the story line in great detail and that story stuck with me ever since. (If you have not watched the movie and/or don't know the storyline, you gotta read the link first.)

Fate. 

These days, I am somewhat intimate with the idea of "everything is as it should be". I realise that this can be so offensive to a lot of people who outright do not believe in fate or destiny or whatever else you may call it. Yet the idea that no matter the steps that you take, sometimes they lead you back to one person, one destination, one path. It is like you get to take a detour for a while before you go back to where you are meant to be. A lot of roads lead to Rome. You get to choose the route, but there are mini-destinations along the way that you are bound to encounter no matter which road it is you choose. 

The more I think about this, the more I realise that it is so crazy. In this life, unlike the movie, we do not have the benefit of parallel universe. We do not know what our lives would be had we miss the train, for example, or not pick up that call, or, something that is very relevant to me, had I not eat that something that makes me sick. As such, we have nothing concrete to compare against. We can only speculate that our lives today are better than the alternatives. I mean, I think my life is better today, and this is purely my perception. I can't quite provide concrete proof via comparison because, oh well, there is no comparison.

I mean it is like discovering that you are not fit for each other in a relationship - it is better to find out before you got married because divorce is messy. Of course it is even better if you manage to choose the path that bypasses the relationship altogether (since you end up not together anyway) because that means you bypass the heartache, and get to think of that person as the one who got away (rather than the one who broke your heart). This is of course somewhat radical, because we all like to think that we can overcome all obstacles that come our way so that our dream to be with this one person we love so dearly can come true. But what if some dreams are not a meant to be? What if you are not meant to be together, despite your desires to be together? What if destiny has a different course for you? How do we know that it is time to dream about other dreams? How do we know it is a time to let go? How do we let go of something that we can't? How do we know where to go and what to do, or if we are in the right path?

Maybe, just maybe, having all of these uncertainties is a part of the deal - that we are meant to struggle with this. Everything is as it should be. 

I had a rather interesting conversation over lunch about relationships - and the view that was presented to me was that if we know that we want to be together and have children, then why do we have to spend time doing it after particular time frames.We may as well fast forward it since we know that that is the destination that we are going to. I am very familiar with this view because this is my Dad's view on life. He has always been someone who is so assertive and so sure of his life that it is almost inconceivable to me that he once had doubts (logic tells me that every human being in this planet experiences doubt once in a while, and that includes my Dad, but I have never seen it nor heard about it ever). Some people are just so confident in the path that they are in that they surge forward knowing for sure that this is it. This is where I am meant to be. This is where I am supposed to be and I am going to be there no matter what. And they get there. The existence of people like this who have not heard of The Secret is the affirmation that The Secret does work.

Compared to people like the above, I am so indecisive, so absent-minded, so unassertive. I am lacking destination, I am lacking drive and I am consumed with inability to decide where I want to go and where I'd like to be. As much as I am a planner and planned my day somewhat rather meticulously, I realise that I am no where a planner as much as these people are. These are the ones who put the meaning to the word planning and they don't use their calendars very often, except to say that by this time next year, I would be in this position. And to these people, the phrase everything is as it should be sounds like some lame excuse that people like me say in order to make me feel better about my life (what they really want to say, I bet, is something along the lines of my perceived lack of achievements in life, but of course they are too nice to say that out loud so it sort of becomes this common, ordinary line from polite people who are too concerned about being polite with each other).

Nonetheless, I am still of view that everything is as it should be, and yes, we can be the masters of our own destinies, and there are lessons that we have to learn in this life. We can fast forward it if we work hard in it, and there is nothing wrong with slowing down and enjoying the ride, while learning the same lessons eventually. Life is as good as you make it and everything is as it should be. 

Wednesday 19 December 2012

On loneliness

When I am deep absorbed in my thoughts I often come to a realisation that life, my life, is indeed very lonely. This is not a bad thing per se, at least for me, because I think loneliness, to a certain extent, is a part of life. Of course in this life we preferable share our lives with each other, because, you know, the presence of other people in our lives sort of make this life more real, in the sense that if you see a comet in the sky, you can turn to each other and say: did that just happen? Did you see that? And then you get a nod, or a yes, or their variants, and that kind of affirmation makes things in this life, seemingly real, even when they are not.

Yet I think given the complexities inherent in human emotions, it is somewhat natural to feel lonely because there are so many things that we just cannot share with other people, no matter what we try. This is particularly true in so many situations. One that most people often don't realise is how lonely we actually are in our loves for our significant others. It is almost guaranteed that there is no one in this planet who love them the way we do. What other people get to see is the end result, the happiness, the contentment with life. They often do not get to see the hard work involved in loving this one person and the hard work of that person in loving you. Heck, even often you don't get to see that, although you get to feel the love. It does not make it less real, but it is a lonely journey because you are alone in loving him/her. It is not a bad thing, in fact, it is a good thing, because it would be just weird if there is another being in this planet who love them exactly like you love them.

Another lonely experience I had was during doctorate years. Boy oh boy, now that was one lonely journey. If you are not someone who is comfortable being entertained by your thoughts at the start of the journey, by the end of it, you would be. I personally feel that part of the reason as to why a doctorate is done as an individual research project is so that you can be comfortable with being lonely, you can be comfortable defending your ideas, especially when everyone else seems to be unconvinced by what you propose, and that you can be comfortable being original, especially when no one else seems to share your views. I mean, really, this is one experience that forced me not to blend in (not that I was someone who blended in to begin with; why be a part of the masses when you can stand out?).

I am not alone in this line of thinking - the line that says that loneliness is a part of life - albeit we come to this conclusion for different reasons. But the one thing that makes me unable to stop thinking about this is this: how did loneliness become the "bad guy", the one that is described as unpleasant, empty and isolated. The one that is described as lacking in quality interactions that are hard to pin down.

Back in high school, we had this "group" of people that we sit with every lunch time. I am not sure how this comes about, but it just so happened that we gravitated towards the same people over and over again every lunch time, and eventually, we made plans to hang out over the weekend, and we stressed together in the library during our free period. I mean, it makes sense, right, totally, because at that age, who wants to be alone? Being alone was like being lonely. And it was somewhat, unheard of, it is like, why does she not want to sit with anyone. It was almost like a crime. And the teachers would automatically assume that there was something wrong with you just because you want to be alone.

It is not just in school, it is also the same deal when I was living at home - it is like, I don't know, I live with people who loved to have a confrontation at the moment that it was convenient with them without having regard to my preference (curse of being the youngest kid), the kind of confrontation that required them to bang against your door and forced their way into your room kind of thing, to which I shouted "GET OUT" and of course, they didn't and so I ended up being the one who not only had to get out of my own room, but also the house altogether just so that I could be alone for a moment in time. This is one of the better outcomes for me, and my preferred outcome too, given the situation, but you get the idea. I have never felt better about life ever since I started living alone. There is something so peaceful about coming home from a long day at work to an empty apartment and spending the evening alone.

I get that a lot of people are not comfortable with being alone, because they equate that to being lonely. Heck, I even personally know people who would not be seen eating alone at restaurants. Really, what's the big deal? I have eaten alone at restaurants many times, bring a book or a magazine or catch up with your inbox when you are waiting for your food.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat Pray Love the following sentence that I find incredibly powerful and incredibly true for every human being, whether they are undergoing drastic changes in their lives, like the divorce she was going through, or just living life in general. She said, “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

Tuesday 18 December 2012

The blog

Okay, so the story goes like this. I have friends who are for lack of a better description are not happy for being mentioned on the blog. So the post had to go down. Sorry guys, I honestly thought not mentioning your names would suffice (in hiding your identities). And sorry guys, I know that I always said that I would not let anyone censor me, but as it turned out, the moment that I try not talking only about myself, this happened.

Which is why the blog will stay as me-centric.

Monday 3 December 2012

I am dreaming of...


A big fat juicy hamburger. 
But I am gluten intolerant. 
So I usually eat it without the buns. 
Which kind of defeats the whole purpose of a hamburger. 

x

Saturday 1 December 2012

The challenge is in trying

I finally re-write that post. A better and improved version, if I can say so myself.

***

"Well, mom.  It IS hard to be good at track but you know, it's harder to START a race than to finish it."


Running.

I have been doing quite a lot of it lately, but I don’t really write about it, except to say I’ve been doing it.

A little bit of history. My aversion to exercise is rooted on the fact that I suck at it. This is a fact. As far as I can remember, I have always been ... awkward when it comes to sports. I was always the last person on the race. I was the person who could not play in any team sport because well, having me on the team would guarantee that the team would lose. In fact, I said that my contribution to the “team” is that I stay away from the team and therefore increasing the team’s chances of winning.

And yes, because I suck at it, I avoid it like a plaque. There was no way I could get better at it because I keep on avoiding it. Got it.

So why the fuck am I doing it?

I don't know. One day, I just sort of did it, you know, one day, I started. It helps when you have supportive people who encourage you to do it, who constantly put it in your mind, even when it takes like... err... THIRTY-SIX months for anything to happen.

The day finally came that, if I were to be honest with myself, I actually want to change my own perception about myself in this department. Generally, I think I am awesome, and my unfitness has been, well, something that I accept as a weakness. Come on, no one is perfect, so this was my Achilles heel. Normale, no? I honestly could not even imagine myself to be the person that I am now, the one who ran for a whole hour covering 7km and not die in the process. I wanted to be more than what my imagination would allow me to be; I wanted to be more awesome than I was. I took up what is difficult because I believed (and still do) that what was difficult, combined with persistence, would propel me forward. Pain and discomfort would take me to places that I had never dreamed of. I could be a better version of myself, a version that I like more than what I was before.

So I ran and ran and ran, alternating the days between running and resting. I ran three times a week for approximately 30 minutes each time, building up to a run of 7km two days before the JP Morgan run. That was meant to be a light exercise, by the way, but I was feeling so good that I kept on running for the whole hour. This was at the treadmill. It is harder to stop or slow down at your own will when you are at the treadmill, so you are more likely to stick with the pace. The next day, I walked VERY SLOWLY. The day after, which was the race day, I walked normally.

For the most part, it hurt. Quite a number of times I stopped running because I was out of breath , my chest felt like it was about to explode. The manifestation of my unfitness. Other times, my feet felt like they were going to fall off. Another manifestation of my unfitness. For the remainder of the time that I was not running, I craved carbohydrates really badly. Just to clarify here, I did and do eat carbs, in the form of fruits and vegetables, especially root vegetables. What I craved (and still do) is things that are refined and high in sugar, like pancakes with ice cream, cheesecakes, cannoli, etc etc etc – you get the idea. Out of these three forms of pain, the one that hurt the most is the last one, because it is (a) never ending and (b) has the ability to wake me up from my sleep, while the other two seemed to be more temporary in comparison. I resisted the carb-cravings for two reasons (not necessarily in any order of importance). First, I want to be healthy – excessive sugar consumption is bad for you. Second, I want to maintain my figure, that is, I do not want to become fat. So I am watching my diet that much closely. I want to look good, okay. I am shallow and vain like that.

It was a painful physical and mental experience. Every running session entailed me dragging myself to the gym and hopping on the treadmill. Starting was hard. Running was hard. I resigned myself to the pain that was about to come. I wrestled with my preconceptions about myself – that I had been unfit in the past, and now that I am doing this, am I going to fall off the treadmill and get injured and blab la blabla. It was a very draining battle that was incredibly difficult to win. By the end of each running session, to say that I was physically and mentally exhausted is an understatement. Furthermore, I reaffirmed the fact that resigning to the pain did not make the process any easier; even when I know what to expect, it did not make it easier at all.

Add to all of that the fact that I had to battle a cold, and later on, some serious shoulder pains (the kind that required taping your shoulder), which halted my training. Consequently, there were many, many times during which I thought I was not going to make it. I was openly apprehensive about this and I was lucky to be surrounded by supportive people who were able to see something in me that I was not able to see myself. I am deeply thankful for their kind words and for believing in me.

Persistence, thankfully, is my middle name. That, plus some form of insanity which I think is necessary for survival, or in this case, thriving. Giving up is always the easier option. I don’t want easy, well at least not in this case anyway. Believing the seemingly-impossible-at-that-time? That’s easy too, relatively anyway. Doing something that is seemingly-impossible-at-the-time? Now, that’s hard and because it is hard, it must be worth my efforts.

This whole process has allowed me to discover so much about myself; it allowed me to grow to be a much better version than my old self. As my friends called it, this is Isabelle 2.0. With every progress that I make, usually in the form of being able to run longer distances and not die, I give thanks to the fact that I have not gained weight. Without realizing it at the time, what it really was is this: I needed to do this, for myself. I needed to grow in ways that I thought was not possible. I needed to expose myself to new challenges so that I could go to places that I could not have traversed. It was not just a want. It was a need.

My self-inflicted pain got me to the destination.  I am excited to discover what sort of places it is going to take me to.

For now, I am going to indulge in some fried chicken.

Post script: I promptly caught a cold post JP run and am still battling the said cold two weeks on.  I want to blame it on the weather, but really, it is my fault for not resting properly. What can I say, life got in the way of living. My reward for running the JP includes new running gear!! I can’t find a better way of supporting the global economy.

Friday 30 November 2012

Quote of the day




In life only one thing is certain, besides death and taxes… no matter how hard we try, no matter how good our intentions, we are going to make mistakes. We are going to hurt people. We are going to get hurt. And if you’re ever going to recover, there’s only one thing to say. Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, nothing is ever settled. Hurts never heal. And the most we can hope for… is to forget.

Grey’s Anatomy; Meredith Grey

Wednesday 28 November 2012

An invocation for beginnings



"Let me remember that the impact of criticisms is often not the intent of the critique. But when the intent is evil, that’s what the block button is for."

Or the delete button, for that matter. 

Tuesday 27 November 2012

Revenge is one of the strongest motivators there is

Let me introduce you to one of my favourite bloggers, Xiaxue. If you like reading blogs and you are Asian, chance is that you must have heard of her.

The reasons why I like her are primarily because she is very comfortable with herself and she has very thick skin (she said so herself). I look forward to the day that I get to be that comfortable in my own skin and write with my real name plastered all over my blog.

Recently she wrote this piece called Loving Your Haters that reminded me of two things:


(1) Revenge is one of the strongest motivators there is; and
(2) Success is the best form of revenge.

Watch this space.

Sunday 25 November 2012

Complication

In medical term, a complication is unfavourable, the only defence mechanism we currently have is to foresee it/them, so that we can at least be prepared for them. It is as if the power of expectations can resolve everything. Almost.

In life, it is the same deal. Complications arise, especially during the times that you expect them the least, or during the times that you can least afford to deal with them, be it because you are short on time, or money, or both.


I can never be too prepared for life, can I?

After nearly thirty years of roaming the earth, I am convinced that it is very exhausting to live my life trying to live up to everyone's expectations. When I say "everyone", I really mean everyone. Especially when it comes to some people who somehow feel more entitled than others to have me doing things for/with them, dealing with their complications or to prevent their expected complications from eventuating to reality. With these people, if I make the choice to do one single thing that works better for me and my then-situation (and avoid complications in my life), or if I express my opinion about how inconvenient it is for me with a suggestion with how to do it, I am the bitch.

It is like I am the default bitch because I don't want to put them first.

I am not going to live my life and spend my time to make other people happy. If I live my life on those terms, I have this feeling that I am going to end up being the one dealing with endless complications in my life most, if not all, of the time.

As I have always said, love yourself first.

Thursday 22 November 2012

Running, blogging and turning 30

Running
I went back to running yesterday night, exactly one week after the JP. I so was not in the mood for it. Infested with laziness. Assistance came in the form of a boyfriend who wanted to run and I tagged along because I was desperate to spend sometime with him. Anything to get things rolling. 

As is always the norm when I am not in the mood for running (which is like most, if not, all of the time), I tell myself that it is going to be a light one. I honestly don't think yesterday's run was a light one, but boyfriend thinks it was, at least for him. My standard is obviously different than everyone else's. 

Yesterday was also the first time we ran together again - prior to JP, I was mostly on the treadmill and he hit the waterfront. Running by the water is nice! There is something so soothing, so peaceful about it. 

The run was good. It didn't kill me, I didn't die. I came home with the WORST carb craving in weeks. Damn, it doesn't look like this thing is going to go away any time soon. 

Blogging 
I have not posted a single picture on this blog yet. It is not that I don't want to, it is more like I don't want to just post any picture. It is more like I don't have to take good pictures and then edit them (yes, I edit most of my pictures). Writing takes a lot of time, a lot more time than I thought it would take, especially since I am learning this thing called editing my own writing, which I hardly ever do for the blog previously.

Sometimes I feel like I am running out of time. Between sleeping, working, eating, running, cleaning the apartment, hanging out with friends, writing, blogging, there is hardly any time for anything else. I collapse every night from exhaustion. I woke up extra early this morning so that I can have time to write this. I don't know what life would be without coffee. 

I must admit I am rather surprised that people actually read my blog. I also wonder how many times they return, and why they do. 

Turning 30
I started freaking out again with this whole turning 30 business. I thought I was over this, I was pretty much okay with it for a while, before everything returned full force as of 10 days ago. It is like, shit, this is happening, and there is no escaping it. What the fuck happened to my twenties. 

I have never freaked out this way before - over a birthday, come on. I was excited when I turned 18 because finally I could legally enter clubs and drink alcohol (so overrated), and was even more excited when I turned 21 because hello!! It's TWENTY ONE!! I think I was a tiny little bit excited when I turned 25 (but honestly can't really remember). Actually, strike that, I have always been excited for every birthday. I give everyone advanced warning that it is coming, and I give them a wish list, which I always get, if not for my birthday, for Christmas. Yeah, I am spoiled. 

I have the most wonderful, kind people in my life. Thinking about them makes me want to cry. I am so thankful to have friends like my friends, they are so nice, so kind, so understanding. They get me. We laugh and we cry together. More importantly, they are able to tell me to snap out of things, we don't do bullshit. 

Every time I question life and everything that's in it, it always turns out that the nice people in my life end up making everything better. It is like they make life worth living. I am very lucky.  

Monday 19 November 2012

Short

Accountability 
Sometimes I think accountability is a very strange concept. Strange because it actually works. This is why people blog. They want to be accountable to someone for doing something - in my case, for practising writing. I could just write pages and pages and pages and no one will know and that would be my practice but I must say that the chance of that happening is perhaps not as high as I am blogging on a regular basis. This is why people set up blogs when they want to get out of debt, or improve their fashion sense, or just do something that they have been wanting to do forever. Promising something to an audience means you have someone to be accountable to. Of course, the best person to be accountable to is yourself, but you are also most forgiving to yourself, so sometimes it is necessary to have other people to be accountable to.

10,000 hours theory
Has anyone heard about the 10,000 hours theory? If you want to acquire expertise in a certain subject area and/or skill, then you need to practise for at least 10,000 hours. This is the whole reason for the blog - to accumulate the 10,000 hours, but I am not keeping track of my hours, I just make an effort to post something every few days. Right now, I am posting this to make up for the fact that I posted a very short entry over the weekend. Plus I am not running. In fact, I haven't run since last Wednesday since I ran for the JP. There are two reasons for this. First is that I have been sick. I don't exercise when I am sick, because it makes recovery that much longer. Second, I am not feeling so motivated. Hey, don't judge okay. I am human and I have feelings and right now, I am not so motivated to run. Of course I want to keep it up and continue running on a regular basis if only for the fact that I need an exercise routine since I am getting older that this body needs assistance to look this good.

Random observation in life
There was this kid who was brilliant at playing the violin and he was being commercialised by his mum who made him play Waltzing Matilda over and over and over again by the street side in Chinatown, so much so that I started to feel sorry for him. He may very well be a musical genius who is being forced to play something that he finds so ... boring. Next to him was this massive poster which basically said he is not even 10 years old and he is so talented that he can play the violin so well bla bla bla. I can't help wondering how many hours he has to spend practising every single day. And if he likes it. Or whether he used to like it and now hates it because he is being forced to practise so much.

On going back to tertiary studies
I always toy with this idea, I think this is because I actually like that place, minus all the exams and the tests that we have to pass. Wouldn't it be nice if there are no exams and we can actually learn because we want to learn? I mean, I get that this is like college and you should be here because you want to be here, but fact of the matter is that, well, some of us don't actually want to be here. We much rather be anywhere but here, but we are here because our parents want us to be here. Gotta love Asian parents (chill, I am Asian, just in case you need the reminder). Yes, my parents put a lot of emphasis on education, but they are pretty hands off most of the time. At times, I do wonder what I would be like if I have one of those super strict parent. I mean, it would be nice to have someone to sit down with me and teach me how to do stuff rather than expecting me to figure it out on my own. Especially on the days that I need motivation, like today.

Being positive
Insisting on positivity has been the theme of my life, really. Because sometimes I feel like I am okay, then other days I feel like I am lacking direction, and I wonder, is it really weird that I feel this way, is it just me, does anyone else out there feel what I feel? It is not that I am not happy, and it is not that I am not contented.  I just feel like I am floating around this thing called life and it is like... for what? Don't worry, I am not suicidal. I like living most of the time, but I can't help wonder if asking questions like these is just part of the deal. Something that I have to get used to, because it is not going to go away. Because the solutions are temporary in nature, and permanent solutions are non-existent. Is that really true? I insist on positivity because I want to be happy. I don't know how to deal with life's uncertainties any other way.



Saturday 17 November 2012

(untitled)

Ok, just a quick one. 

(1) Le boyfriend did something VERY nice last night. I slept with a smile on my face and woke up with a bigger smile.
(2) Currently spring cleaning my almost non-existent closet. Been doing this since morning and got exhausted and so hopped onto the computer and found this. It is short, direct and to the point. I kind of like it a lot. 
(3) Recovering well from my cold, thanks to sunshine! No, I have not re-written that post yet. I don't think I can rewrite it. I will draft something else along similar lines. It is crazy trying to reconstruct something like that. 
(4) I finished the JP run in 40.28 minutes. My goal was to run it all the way through, no matter how slowly I did it. I DID IT okay. That's all that matters. 

Nice weekend! x   

Thursday 15 November 2012

!!!

Every blogger's nightmare. It happened to me.

You know when you are ready to hit publish and then it all just... disappeared into cyberspace.

Le sigh.

Plus it was hard to write while blowing my nose every thirty seconds. All the sentences, all the train of thoughts were rudely interrupted by my needs to breathe.

I ran the JP all the way through. Goal accomplished.

It was raining before we started running. I did not bring a jumper. I promptly caught a cold. Thus the blowing my nose every thirty seconds.

I am now going to consume more meds and then go to bed.

Tuesday 13 November 2012

Your most important asset

Sometime this year (or was it late last year?), my Dad decided to join the peeps in the 21st century and got himself a Blackberry (which I paid for). This pretty much explains why I still use my crackberry, despite endless people telling me to get an iphone. Yeah, I get that there's Whatsapp or whatever. 

Anyhoo, back to Dad. I love this man very much although I have to say he drives me nuts at the most unexpected times. In his older age, he has been imparting bits and pieces of knowledge that he disguises as some form of parable, or maybe the parable has always been there, and he likes it and he forwarded it on to me. Any other person in this planet who does this to me (similar to people forwarding useless shit via email) would just get ignored by me. But somehow, the fact that it's Dad makes all the difference. 

So I am going to write down here a few things that stick on my mind. 

My favourite to date is the one about a man who works as a logger. He works and works and works and notices that his productivity is declining over time. The harder he works, the less trees he gets to lodge in a day. Finally his boss told him to take a break so that he can sharpen his axe. 

There are two things that make this a favourite - one is this is very close to home, I grew up in a place whereby wood was one of the prevalent industries. Two is the timing, I got this just before I left for Bangkok. It has been almost a month and I am still missing that place. 

Another is the one I got this morning, which is an impartation of the words of the Dalai Lama. He said the most weird creature in this planet is human. Human sacrifices his health in his acquisition of money, and sacrifices his money in an attempt to regain his health. Human is so worried about tomorrow that he forgets to live in the present moment. Human forgets that he arrived in this world with nothing and will leave with nothing. Whatever that we have right now, is merely something borrowed. Moral of the story: be grateful for what you have today. Don't be proud of material accomplishments for the real price of those things are often unseen. Don't worry about the future, it is yet to come. 

This one is a favourite because recently I keep hearing stories about my close friends and my Dad's close friends being diagnosed with various illnesses - some of which have no cure as of yet. There are various other parables that Dad shared along the lines of taking care of your health because it is your true wealth, but this one brings home the point nicely. The luckiest person in this planet is one who is healthy. And if he has love, then that's pretty awesome. And money and wealth - that's just a bonus. 

You know, it is not like I don't know these things. Of course, I know. The point is that, I forget sometimes, and it is nice to be reminded of the things that truly matter. 

Today, I am grateful for my health. Given that I have not been exactly focusing on it, I am happy that I am in a pretty good shape (age probably has a lot to do with it). Last night, my other half told me that he is curious to know what cholesterol level is because of the plethora of fried food that I consume (significantly less now, come on, fried chicken is like once a week?). 

I am also happy that I have not put on weight from all the running I've been doing. The carb-cravings are still there and are present at the most annoying, most inappropriate times, I can't exactly ignore these and I don't want to succumb to temptation, so I am in this weird state of acknowledging them while at the same time fighting them as they happen. (When I say carb-cravings, I am referring to fries, pancakes, char kway teow and the like. I get my carb intake from fruits and vegetables, which I never crave.)

 Running is not easy, it is in fact, very difficult for me. These days, every time I run, I focus on the fact that I can run, albeit on the slow side, and I am trying to enjoy this fact. Or in other words, I will run while I still can, while my body is still able to do that, and I hope to maintain this form for many years to come. 

Minus the carb-cravings, preferably.  

Saturday 10 November 2012

Love is

In an attempt to simplify my life, I go by a few things that I think have been useful for me in focusing on the important things. One of those things is this: love is simple.

I totally get life can be complicated and everything else can be complicated, including love (here we go), we can get sucked into this sea of emotions and feel like we are drowning, suffocated or something equally thrilling, and yeah, these things are pretty awesome if not for the fact that in the aftermath of the said-infatuation-mistaken-as-love, one is left so empty and so... drained. It is like, I need my oxygen, but not the kind that is available freely in the air. 

If it makes you cry in despair, it is not love. 

Love is the thing that gives you warmth in your soul, even when you are not sure there is sunshine.  

x


Tuesday 6 November 2012

It was mostly a blur, then again, I was drunk

I drank too much champagne. Too much in the definition when it comes to champagne is one glass. I know. I am a cheap drunk. Then again, it was Moet. And, I am Asian, you know.

I don't feel like writing, but in the spirit of improvement, I am writing anyway. It is kind of like running. I never feel like running, but I schedule it and most importantly, I do it anyway, in the name of improvement and progress.

So. Here we are.

I spent a grand total of $23 today in the combination of sweeps and betting as a way of getting into the spirit of Melbourne cup. And despite knowing that past performance has got nothing to do with future performance, the analytical doctor in me developed amnesia and got too heavily involved with all the trends and analyses put out there by various investment bankers (or quant analysts as they call themselves these days). And let's just say that the outcome of my "investment" serves as a reminder as to why I do not gamble for the rest of the days in the year.

Aaannndd before you scream at me for wasting money this way - chill guys, $23 buys a meal with drinks in Sydney. Actually, it can buy more than that if you know where to go. It can buy some clothes, same deal, if you know where to look. Or a pair of shoes if you are lucky.

Because of the said champagne consumption, I am very sleepy right now. This is after I drank a cup of coffee. I know that I am going to feel this way post champagne, and I drink it anyway - why I do these things that are so destructive is completely beyond me. Is this why people continue gambling despite having no money? Is this why people continue doing drugs despite knowing that they are slowly killing themselves?

When I am at this state, I ask myself if I would continue drinking champagne (because that's what addiction is, yes?). The answer is to that is a resounding no, because I am too weak to reach out for my glass (but not too weak to type up this blog entry). My brain feels lazy, and I think I should stop writing before I end up regretting posting something I shouldn't have.

Sunday 4 November 2012

I'm not saying I have the answer to everything, but there are somethings we have to answer

One of the nice things about getting older for me is that I am slowly working out what I want in life. I am definitely a member of the reaaally slow club, but I am getting there. I would not say slow and steady does the trick, but it works for me. This is pretty much why I don't respond well to personal trainers who scream at me and tell me I am doing things too slowly, or even worse, those who use negative motivations. Dude, would you chill? I know that I am going to get fat if I don't exercise and eat right. 

For me, the hardest thing about working out what I want has been the plethora of choices and more choices that open up more possibilities. It is as if I owe it to myself to pick the best out of those choices, without really knowing what they are or what they entail, or even worse, how suitable they are for me and what I want in the long run. I first identified this problem when I was 18 years old - I was in my second year in college and was struggling to pick a major (or two). The advice I got at the time was this advice: go for the option that leads to more open doors. I guess it was not terrible on the surface, because it bought me time to supposedly figure out what I wanted to do. But it became terrible because of me; instead of using that time to truly figure out what I wanted to do, I ended up doing the most natural thing: procrastinating. I used that time to justify as to why I should not work out what I wanted in life: the most interesting people in this planet do not know what they want right up till they are... err... insert some numbers here

Good advice, terrible implementer. Yeap, that was me. 

Another aspect of opening more doors is what is called by FOMO - the Fear Of Missing Out. If my friends are doing X, then if I don't do X, I must be missing out. Unless of course, I am doing Y, which is what everyone wants in the first place anyway, but did not/could not get, so they settled with X. Can anyone say amen to this? Because we don't really talk about this but deep down we wanted to outdo each other all the time. 

Quite fortunately, for me, I don't really struggle with FOMO, purely because I don't really do what my friends did - I did not even study as hard as they did. They see me as "the interesting one", while in fact, I was not trying to be interesting, I was just terribly confused with why I should do what they do when I don't like what they do. That was my benchmark - do I like to do it, or not. If not, let's move on. 

That benchmark was useful on some levels, and it was also terrible on others. Because I subsequently learn that there are things in life that I do not like that I have to do, if only for the mere fact that doing these things would allow me to do the things that I like and actually want to do. After dwelling in this tautology for a while, I realise that maybe it is a good idea to work out what I want to do in this life because it would help to keep me focused and make certain things I don't like doing more bearable. 

If you stumble upon this piece randomly because you don't know what you want in life, then I would say (1) you are normal - a lot of people feel the same way, they are just not as willing to admit it or talk about it; (2) you will benefit from spending time and resources working out what you want in life and then committing yourself to that choice for a while to see if it really is what you want to do; (3) embrace change - really, if you don't like something, change it. You can always reinvent yourself - which is the whole premise of this blog. March to your own drum beat, listen to your head and follow your heart. 

x

Saturday 3 November 2012

What's carb-cravin' got to do with it

Ok, only a few more hours until I stop being contagious, which means I can go out and buy more salmon (ate the last piece last night). Eating salmon is the easiest option right now. The other option is eggs-consumption, which is what I do every morning, so in an attempt not to overdose on eggs, I am trying to eat something else for lunch and dinner.

Of course there is always fried chicken, particularly if they look like this:


That is what I call the real KFC - Korean Fried Chicken. Who would've thought that the Koreans manage to do fried chicken so well, even better than the Indonesians, in my opinion. Hey, hey, relax, I am Indonesian okay, so chill dude. It is just a matter of personal preference, plus the fact that there is no Indonesian restaurant in Sydney that does a half decent fried chicken. As opposed to grilled chicken, which is done to perfection by Ayam Goreng 99. (Yes, despite the name, it is actually the grilled chicken that wins the hearts of many.)  

However, to be completely honest, what I am really really really dying to eat is actually something like this: 


That, ladies and gentlement, is carb-craving gone wild. 

Have a nice weekend! If you are not confined to the walls of your bedroom like me, please go outside and enjoy the breeze. 

Friday 2 November 2012

Wishful thinking allowed

I have a silly habit of writing whenever I am sick - which is right now. It is Friday and I am sick. This was not part of my plan. The younger version of me would sulk and hate life to its core. But the me-right-now just resigned to the fact that I am sick. The most annoying thing is that I plan to run tomorrow, which I may not be able to do if I don't recover overnight. Yes, recovering overnight does sound really crazy, and when you are sick, you would irrationally put faith in crazy things, otherwise known as miracles.

It is funny that I have to be sick like right now, when I am in the middle of training for JP and when I put extra effort into watching what I am eating. I cannot be healthier than I am right now, can I? My other half ate bread for dinner and I told him that it smelled so good. He said that's your body craving carbs. That is actually true because I have been continuously craving carbs since I've been running, and I am yet to give into my cravings (thus the continuity).

Then I asked this crazy question if it is possible that being sick right now is my body's way of rebelling against this "new normal". He said yes, it is possible. He is not a doctor (the kind that helps people) and he does not have a medical background whatsoever. He is just as crazy as me when it comes to irrelevant things such as this unexplainable sickness that is potentially wrecking my training plans.(This unexplainable sickness is otherwise known as the common cold. It is not the flu.)

This is annoying because I don't have time to waste. Ok, fine, in general, we all don't have time to waste. What I really meant was that I am working on a very strict deadline. I did not factor in being sick, for example. Because I have a goal to achieve. This goal is not even a goal to a lot of people, it is only a goal to me, okay, so it is important to me.

I am going to get some shut eye and hope that everything will magically be fine tomorrow.

PS. One more thing, whenever I read things like this, I remember that majority of people in this planet are twisted because they would almost always take things out of context. If I ever count how many times Xiaxue's material has been taken out of context, I would have been a millionaire by now. The fact that people like her blogs somewhat restores my faith in humanity (because she is smart and uses her brains). Maybe not all of us are f*cked up after all.

Wednesday 31 October 2012

They don’t call it full time for nothin’


As is somewhat rather expected of me, I am lacking time to do the things that I want to do. This is not about some things being more important than others (ok, maybe there is a bit of truth in that). These days it is more about the fact that I run out of energy to do things. Like updating this blog. I am not going to apologise for this because as I have always said (in real life), life happens, I hop on the ride. Plus I am trying to run as much as I can these days; don’t worry, in case you think I am turning into some exercise nut case, the key word here is “trying”. It does leave me exhausted on the days that I do it, with the upside that I sleep better at night from exhaustion. Waking up is a lot harder though, so if you have insomnia, you may want to give exercise a try.

My life is not filled with glam and glitz, I don’t party every other night, I don’t go to events worth blogging about. My day is filled with going to the office, doing office stuff that I don’t want to blog about. Spare me, please. I like blogging, but as it is right now, it is a hobby and it is sporadic and intermittent, kind of something I do when I have time and occasionally make time for. Subsequently, it is hard to update every day, or even every other day. I am struggling with once a week. Yea, I know, they don’t call some bloggers full time bloggers for nothin’.

What is undeniably true is that, I am getting older. I hate to admit this, but as I get older, I feel like I have less energy. This means everything takes more effort than it used to. Surviving on 4 hours sleep was nothing, puh-lease. Now, it is a one way ticket towards me being grumpy for the whole day, plus patchy skin. I am not sure which one is worse, but I know that I don’t like myself when I am sleep deprived. I think I am trying to make up for the fact that I used to be so sleep deprived. Is that even possible?? It is like I have to pay all these sleep debts before I can start making deposits.

Anyway.

I woke up this morning missing Bangkok. It is kinda understandable given that it was only some time ago that I woke up to this view


I know, I know. It is kind of easier to miss beautiful things than ugly things. 

Friday 26 October 2012

I am inspirational

Just a short one today. 

Went running. Currently in pain. Woke up at 4am craving char kway teow

I have come to the conclusion that the dieting is perhaps the more difficult out of the lethal combination of dieting and exercising. The exercise is usually over in 1 hour and the pain I can sort of deal with. The hunger is more persistent and tends to strike at weird hours, not to mention has the ability to wake me up from my sleep. 

On a brighter note, I can now say that people find me inspirational! God, just thinking about that makes me so happy (yeah, I know, I am shallow like that). Little victories like this are meant to be celebrated okay. Plus I have so many encouraging people in my life, two of which ran with me yesterday and were explaining the science of running and dieting. As I have always said (in real life), knowledge is power!!

Thursday 25 October 2012

Happiness takes effort


Do you know what bugs me a lot these days?

Happiness.

No, it is not like I am allergic to it or something. And no, it is not like I am lacking it in my life or something.

Why this bugs me:

(1) I think the whole world is obsessed with it. It is like it is a sin not to be happy. It is like you cannot not be happy.

(2) I think through some twisted logic people in first world countries have delusionally associate happiness with lack of material possessions, in particular through romantised the notion of poverty. This is usually in the form of statements along the lines of “they are so poor, but they are happy”. Therefore we should shun material possessions and live a simple life so that we can be happy too. It is like we want a short-cut to happiness. (This is not a criticism for the minimalist movement. When you are minimalist, you are making a conscious choice to live a certain way because you think that way suits you better. There is nothing wrong with this.)

(3) And then there are people whose career is built on telling people that they are not happy and this is the sure way to be happy. Great. We are so desperate to be happy that we are willing to pay for its attainment. Another short-cut. If we are all truly so unhappy and not realize that, do you not think it is actually a good thing? Ignorance can be bliss sometimes.

I do not claim to know anything about happiness at all, except for the one that I feel occasionally. Yes, I do say occasionally. Happiness comes in short bursts, in unexpected moments, and when that moment happens, I enjoy it  with a massive smile and my arms flying on the air (although the latter is not always true). Sometimes, I let out a little giggle – a satisfied giggle over something I have been working very hard on that is finally working out.

Happiness can come in two forms – one is the unexpected kind, like you know, when your friend wants to spend time with you, or any other favours that other people do not have to do for you, but they do it anyway because they are nice to you.

The other one is the one that takes a lot of effort and hard work. It is the realization of your goals and efforts – including the ones whereby you help others realize their goals. It is about working, either solo or together with other people towards a common goal (which is sometimes supplemented by personal goals that are realized at the same time).

So in the drbelle’s kind of extreme simplification of reality, it goes like this. There are two ways to achieve happiness. One is to be kind to other people – because this is a guarantee that there are people out there who will be kind to you. The other one is to work on your goals and to assist others in realizing their goals. Both of these things require effort: physically and mentally for starters. I don’t really like venturing to psychological and spiritual realms – I have no idea what those things are, although I know that I get psycho-analysed on a daily basis.

If you think that you can be happy without doing anything, well, sorry to say this: you are severely delusional. Everything in this life takes effort. I personally believe that if you work hard on something, you will be successful. This has served me well in the past few years of my life, so I am sticking by this at least for the time being.

Maybe, just maybe, you may want to give it a try too. Because maybe, just maybe, you may end up actually being happy. Imagine that.

Tuesday 23 October 2012

The choice to be fit

Life is full of choices. One of these choices is to be fit or unfit.

I guess that time has come that I am sick and tired of being unfit. In case you don't know me in real life and think that I am a fat sloth, well, that's 50% correct. I am somewhat a sloth - I am lazy beyond words when it comes to exercising. I am not fat though. This is because I watch what I eat. No, I don't count calories (trust me, I do enough counting on a daily basis that if I can avoid not counting, I would choose that any day).

And no, I am not one of those people who would do things in the name of charity either - like, err... running the marathon to raise money for some organisation, or cycling for the benefit of children's cancer society (if there's ever such a thing). I applaud those who do this, I have enough Facebook notifications from my friends who want me to support them in these. I am just not doing this right now. Will I do it in future? I don't know. I don't really have anything against it, at least not right now anyway.

So today, for some reasons that I am yet to comprehend, I went running. Actually, it started yesterday when I decided to sign up for the firm's JP Morgan competition. What the fuck was I thinking?

Because every single person who subsequently found out of that fact were looking at me in disbelief. They are very familiar with my aversion to exercise and they just cannot believe that (1) I have signed up for the comp, and (2) started training this afternoon.

What I was thinking was that I think it is time that I take my health seriously. You know, now that I am on the verge of turning 30, maybe, I should start getting serious about fitness. MAYBE I should start taking some form of responsibility for my health and my well being. And maybe, just maybe, I want to look better than I do now. *blush

So I had my first training session today courtesy of my boss and my work mate. In short, I felt shit and I hated every moment of it and I remember why I have the aversion to exercise in the first place. I don't understand why people want to put themselves through all of that. Such torture. Who actually do these things voluntarily???

I am a very lucky person. I had so much encouragement and praises and I have people who told me that I did a great job even when I felt I did a crappy job, in addition to feeling really shit about the whole thing. I was not even a nice person - I cannot be nice when I am exercising. I cannot be nice when I am doing something that I loathe with a vengeance. (Ok, maybe I can, but that takes so much self control and discipline, and those things were used up to just simply keep breathing, otherwise I might die, you know.)

Anyway, point of the story is that I am of view that sometimes in life, we have to do things that we do not like because these things are supposedly good for us. For me, right now, that thing is exercising. To enable me to do this, I enlist help left, right and centre, and I have people who are happy to run with me. Maybe that's because they have not run with me yet. I should ask running companions today if they would run with me again. (Please say yes. I will be good*. I promise.)

*good is defined as running more and walking less.

One of the ways I enjoy life is to immerse myself in beauty. This can take many forms - usually it comes in the form of beautiful people. You know, like Anne Hathaway, the Catwoman in the Dark Knight Rises. She's gorgeous right? I know!! That body is a lot of work, okay. She just made it look so effortless because she is paid millions to look like that. I mean, seriously, if someone is paying millions to look like that, maybe I will be more motivated to exercise and diet.

The hardest thing about exercising (for me) is not so much the exercise itself, although I might have given you that impression. The hardest thing is dieting, ok, terrible word. It is more like watching what I eat. I get more hungry, I crave carbs and when I get fatigued, all I want to do is swallow sugar. This is why, I think, exercise can make you fat. This is especially hard for me because even when I don't exercise, I am always hungry. Exercise exacerbates that feeling.

I feel so screwed, really. On one hand, I do want to get fit, and on the other hand, I do not want to get fat. I think one of the worst things in this planet is to be fat (this does not apply to pregnant women). I still don't know why I choose to exercise again (and risk being fat and being a nasty person at the same time). All I know is that this is hard and because it is hard, it must be worth doing.

Yes, that is some twisted logic. That was also the logic that I used to survive doctorate years, and it worked fine for that. If that was good enough for the doctorate, it should be good enough for life.

Sunday 21 October 2012

That mandatory first post


You know one of those people who are ‘location-independent’, who roam all over the world freely, and manage to fund their lifestyles through blogging?

I am not one of those people.

Back in 2008, just as I attended the graduation ceremony for my doctorate, an acquaintance that I was having dinner with (together with a bunch of friends) told me that I should be “one of those people who spend their lives travelling and have a website”. I am pretty sure she meant a blogger. In her defense, I don’t think she was familiar with blogging or blogs in general, but she sure knew that it existed.

I brushed suggestion aside. It is not that I am not interested in travelling or blogging. I love both equally, and I have been somewhat intermittent on both fronts.

The travel bug has left me, that’s what I say. Yes, I enjoy exploring the world, especially when it involves shopping, eating and people-watching. Yet lately I have not found a place that I actually want to visit. Don’t get me wrong, there are many places that I have not been to in this planet, and the reason this is so is because… I don’t want to visit them yet.

I have blogged before – many times. Here is the thing, most of the time, I have been blogging anonymously. Lately, I have come to the conclusion that anonymity is overrated. Actually, it is not so much my conclusion, but a friend argued his case pretty well and managed to convince me. Thus, it became my conclusion too.

Nonetheless, here I am now.

I have just been back from Bangkok, Thailand. My first time there. I was touched and humbled by the sincerity of the Thais. It is called the land of smiles for a good reason, everyone whose eyes I met was smiling. I have never come across a friendlier place in this planet.

My last trip (before Bangkok) was 3 years ago, when I visited home. I define the word home broadly, you will discover the reason for that as you read this blog. In this case, home is where my dad lives (hi Dad!). It was also not so much because I wanted to visit him (yes, I know it sounds bad, but it is also true, and he knows this fact), but rather I committed myself to doing something for someone who was pretty important to me. That trip was good and bad all at the same time. In retrospect, I should not have gone through with the trip, but I did, and I tried to make the best of it.

Of course I’d like to travel more in future – I have not come across anyone who does not want to travel and see the world. But that’s not the premise of this blog.

This blog is, for lack of a better description, about my life. My questions and musings in life, how I live my life, how I choose to enjoy my life, and everything else in between. Occasionally, I may decide to write about something sad and painful, and I promise that I am not going to brood over these things. Because I am of view and life is about change and about moving on, letting go, making room and embracing new things. Life is about growth, especially personal growth, the things that are not visible to the naked eye, but obvious to the voices of the heart.

Why am I sharing my life? Because I have benefited so much from other bloggers who are sharing their lives. I don’t even get to thank them – if I were to leave comments at every post that I find inspirational, I think I must have written thousands by now.  I hope that someone can benefit from this. I know that I will benefit from this when I look back on my life one day.

And I know that everyone writes the next sentence a lot – I want to become a better writer. Or even more specific, I want to become an honest writer. I do try harder to be diplomatic when I am writing and I have been told that I am not that diplomatic in my non-writing mode (which is basically the rest of my life). This includes the times that I blogged anonymously. I want to convey my meanings more clearly, with my name attached to it. This will mean that there will be things that I will not write here in a million years – some things are off-limits, okay. This is a trade-off that I am willing to take.

After all of those paragraphs above, in summary, this is a blog of a young, urban, female professional who ponders about life on a regular basis, survived two-rounds of quarter life crises, and just simply want to share her thoughts.