Saturday, 21 December 2013

I wish her happiness

I guess the time has come that I must say good bye to her.  So many days have gone by and for most of those days, I fell asleep at the thought of her. She came into my life by accident, or perhaps, serendipity is a better description. Whenever I thought about how she came into my life, it was as if a missing puzzle had been found. It finally all made sense, that I was meant to be there, at that point in time, at that particular path, so that we could bump into each other. Except that, we did not just bump, we hugged. Not the kind of hug whereby you move towards the air space near the object of your so-called affection, but the one in which your bodies melt towards each other and in that moment, you experience beauty. The moment that makes life worth living, and each pain worth suffering. She was like a drug, she brought a new kind of high and then, with it, a new kind of low.

Not a day gone by in which a thought about her did not linger, or at least, pass by. I have pretty much exhausted all of the release avenues by now because it has come to the point whereby I have no words left to say. She has slipped away from my life. I tried to be happy for her that she had found what it was she had been searching for so long. But the truth is that I still miss her very deeply. I have always thought that she was not in my life just for a season; I have grown accustomed to looking at her face and watching her silently expressing what I thought was her affections. She had seen me through my worst and brought me back to reality. How could something so beautifully bonded together be separated without as much as a struggle. Sometimes I think life is so unfair this way. For the past decade, did those moments really happen and did we really bond like I felt we did.

My memory is fading not because of the time that has gone past, but because I have stopped trying to remember her. Those memories that we had crafted so effortlessly now seem so surreal; did we or did we not love each other like we felt we did. I can’t remember whether she held my hand when we walked together, but I remember her flinching every time I put my arm around her.  The little things that I brushed aside at the time suddenly assume so much for significance – but for what. The fruitless exercise of remembering she, who is now long gone, so quietly, so painfully.

Maybe in another life time, we would bump into each other again, and maybe, just maybe, we will hug tighter, even if it’s just for a second.

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