Saturday, 25 May 2013

But dickheads will always be around

Recently a close friend shared a very personal story of violation of personal space and privacy. Long story short, she had a familiar stranger (as in someone that is a stranger to you, but exists in your life and has a minor involvement in your life) saw her naked, uninvited. Don't ask me about how this happened etc, you kind of need to accept this as a given fact. Why - because I am not at liberty to disclose the details, that is something that you need to ask her.

I am not going to pretend that I understand what she's been going through because, uhm, well, I... don't. And I'd like to accept that it happened to her without a personal understanding of what it feels like (come on, who would like that sort of thing to happen to them?). I believe this is possible - read here for a very beautiful explanation as to why it's possible

I often say that I am a doctor and if I can research something, I would complete and totally research the fuck out of it, which is what I did, and which is also what leads to this piece of writing. Not so much the research because it's rather extensive and I am not in the mood to write a summary of the whole thing, but more like my thoughts, the thoughts that I have that I think are worth sharing. 

I don't want to get into the line of discussion on how hard it is to be a female (in comparison to a male) or how hard it is to be an attractive female, or even how hard it is to be upfront about the fact that you think you are attractive (just google Samantha Bricks and you get the idea). Here is the deal: in this life, some people are more attractive than others and some people are complete dickheads, and the worst of this bunch are the ones who actually are dickheads but think they are nice guys. I should know because I've encountered quite a variety of them. 

There are two things that stood out to me: one is this writing here and the other is here. These two pieces of writing touch upon what it really means when you tell someone that he/she is hot. 

I admit that I am guilty of telling people that they are hot - although to be completely honest, I do not use the word hot. I said something along the lines of you look great, which is often made in relation to what they are wearing, most of the time, it's about their footwear of choice (my shoe addiction kicks in on a pretty regular basis). That said, I am not exactly precise in my compliments so it is very possible that what I say has been construed as something that means anything other than what I intended. And yes, I am mortified just thinking about it. (I experienced something along these lines just a few days ago - literally. It was not a nice feeling. I didn't even know how to apologise or where to begin apologising. This is really shit. It is like you want to explain that you did not intend it to be that way, but the damage, no matter how unintentional, had been done. The least you can do is to acknowledge it, and apologise, which I did.)

Because something (to me) that is as simple as a compliment that is designed (by me) to make someone else feels better can mean anything but because of some prior experiences that this someone else has had. Even when there is no way that I could have had knowledge of these prior experiences, at the very minimal, as a person with good intentions (or at least, I'd like to believe so), I should be aware of the unintended consequences of my actions. The possibility is remote, but that's not the point. The point is that, it exists. We can't escape our histories. 

We all want to live a good life - a life whereby we are free to do whatever we want to do (within reason) and we have the liberty to pursue our interests and bloom into individuals that we are destined to be. In short, a life whereby we can simply be ourselves, within reason. To me, this means a life whereby I can wear anything that I want to wear, within reason. I used to think this was possible until I realised that it was not always possible, particularly not when I ventured out alone. This was (and still is) possible when I am out and about with le boyf who would somehow act as a deterrent from all the dickheads out there who would tell me that they want to fuck me. Yeah sure, I find it so life-affirming that I am so fuckable (sarcasm alert).

I don't really get how guys can think that telling a woman that you want to fuck her is a compliment. It is NOT. 

I don't really get how guys whom have been "rejected" by the said woman can cry "bitch, whore, slut" and then call themselves a nice guy in the same breath - because if you really are nice, you would be kind and helpful without asking for anything in return. Yes, that means, when you treat us to lunch and/or dinner and then you expect sex in return, well, that's like a transaction, a modern day prostitution kind of thing. That's not kindness on your part. [I should clarify that I don't have anything against prostitution - it's fine insofar as all the parties involved are consenting adults. Yes I get that not all prostitutions are as clear cut as this, but cut me some slack here ok, I am not commenting on illegal human trade/slavery, which is like a different kind of ball game altogether.]

If you really are kind like you claim you are, you would expect nothing in return. That's when you are sincere in your actions and that's when you are likely to score a fuck or two. Even if you don't end up scoring the fucks, at least you would feel good from simply being kind, if you really are sincere. 

If you do not want to be kind with no strings attached, how about this: do not pretend that you are kind. Because there are some people who can see through you and when these people call you upon your pretension, you continue your lie by claiming that these people are bitches who reject a "nice" guy. The truly nice guys in this world are too nice to even say anything to truly defend themselves when their identities are stolen by some dickheads who claim that they are nice guys. 

That leaves people like me, the so-called bitches, who would write something like this in the hope that this will provoke your thoughts into thinking about your real motivations and intentions. We judge ourselves by our intentions, but other people judge us through our actions. So it's our job to make sure that our intentions and our actions are aligned, so that the chance of miscommunication is minimised. 

I did not realise how this bothered me, until I hear my friend's story and I thought about how horrifying it must have felt for her to be violated that way. Prior to this point, even when I was aware of how bad it must have felt, I had absolutely not idea the extent to which it changed someone's life. As they said, it has to get personal (and this is as personal as it gets for me at this point in time). 

And for those of you who would like to read more, start here and his follow up here

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