She and I: the writing of

I would like to begin by saying thank you – thank you so so much to all of you who bothered reading She and I and then sharing your thoughts with me. This was something I was not expecting at all, so this has taken me by surprise, and makes me all the more happy that I decided to write that piece.

It was not an easy exercise, it was hard, it was difficult like it was the most difficult thing there was. I wanted to write a piece about my step mother for a year before it finally happened. I locked myself down for the whole weekend and managed to hit publish on Sunday afternoon. So you can imagine how it was rather awkward this morning when I was randomly asked by a familiar stranger: how was your mothers’ day – because I don’t know if she was under the impression that I was a mother (I am not) or that she knew about what really happened during the mother’s day weekend (the writing of She and I). I very nearly blurted out “have you read my blog” but didn’t because, I don’t know, it would make the conversation more awkward?

I think it is rather presumptuous of our society to assume that every person in this planet looks forward to mothers’ day, simply because that assumption conveniently disregards the painful fact that there are people in this planet who do not get on well with their mothers and do the mothers’ day thing out of obligation. If we can all write about all of our experiences, both the good and the bad, then hopefully we can all learn from each other, most importantly, learning from ourselves, about ourselves, what makes us click as individuals. I make a decision, a long time ago, to only publish pieces on this blog that are of a positive nature. I do write about painful stuff, and I do not want anyone in this planet to ever see those, so I just burn them straight away. (Actually, it is more like delete.)

It goes without saying that I have lost count of the drafts that I had written prior to the weekend of writing She and I. But let me just say this: the end result as you see it is nothing like the prior drafts. I don’t wish to ever publish them, and I don’t see them as a waste either; rather, I see them as the necessary steps into creating the final piece, the whole process counts because I get to know myself better. For the longest time I struggle to write it for I always ended up comparing the two mothers that I have, despite my strong refusal to do so a priori. I understand that the concept of relativity can be powerful like that, which is all the more reason for me not to fall into that particular ‘trap’ because my step mother is a remarkable woman to me independent of how my mother is. I do not believe that it is fair to compare the two women in their capacities as mothers because their roles are fundamentally different, and neither one of them can replace the other.

I acknowledge that there are people who do not get on well with their step-mothers (and step parents), and I do not wish to trivialise this issue at all. All that I want to say (and I hope this comes across well in the original piece) is that my step mother means a lot to me; to her, I am good enough. The concept of good enough was a foreign concept to me until I met her, because I am more the perfectionist, which makes me somewhat rather negative because I tend to focus on the things for improvement, which I want to improve on, to fix, to make better, just because I think I can. Truth of the matter is that, it is not about whether I can fix it or not, it is about focusing on what I do already have, right here in front of me, all the good stuff, so that I can start appreciating them, and giving thanks for how lucky I am. If there is any lesson that I can learn in terms of how to live, then this would be it. Because oddly enough, it is when we give that we actually receive.

When the going gets tough as they often do, I try to be this person that my step mother thinks I am. It is not about being remarkable, nor extra ordinary, just simply good enough. Because I don't have to be perfect to be good enough. And when you're good enough, well, you're good enough, for love.