It may have just been a moment for you

In 2008, just after I graduated and begun my days as a doctor, I had the fortunate opportunity to spend some time in the United States of America with my cousin's family. Also in 2008, I started getting really close to this friend that I met during one of the brief working stint I had with a company in down town Sydney. She invited me over her place and I gladly went over, and ended up hanging out with her family on a very regular basis. She pretty much regarded me as part of the family: we celebrate our birthdays every year together ever since.

If any of my previous posts were any indication of my life to date, you would have deduced correctly that I never had much of a family life. Life works in a rather mysterious way. I find it rather ironic that other people's families tend to 'adopt' me; they are so so kind, far more than words can ever describe. If I was ever angry at God for depriving me of some sort of loving familial connection, then He more than makes up for it through all of the wonderful people in my life. I am talking about the people who cut up fruits for me - like a lot of fruits, the kinds that are difficult to cut, like pineapples, jackfruits and durian.

Last week these two mothers passed away.

***

I am currently in a painful state of mind; no matter what it is I think about, it always reverts to the events in 2008. A lot of good things happened in 2008, and equally painful things happened at the same time. I am not going to lie, it was perhaps one of the most difficult years I've ever had to go through to date. These terrible ones, I block in my mind so that I don't think about them constantly.

I want to analyse grief, because that is my coping mechanism - analysing everything I could get my hands on. This emotion is nothing like any other emotions that have ever come my way. I have failed, I have loss, but not to this degree. In fact, if I could make a comparison (which I really shouldn't), this makes everything else falls pale in comparison. This pain is unpleasant and uncomfortable, and I want to short-circuit my grieving process so that I can stop feeling so debilitated. I can't.

Dare I even say that I am scared of my own emotions, of not being able to control them, of being controlled by them, to the extent that I start showing them physically? I have been avoiding people's eyes a lot more these days because I do not want them to notice the sadness in mine, but there are those who still notice because they care. I have been avoiding talking about this in real life because I know I would not be able to control the flow of tears despite not wanting to cry about this any more. But there are those who still care, there are those who are pained when they see me in pain. There are still a lot of good things in this life.

It crossed my mind, on how differently it would be if these two events did not happen round about the same time. Would I have felt differently, and if yes, how differently. I guess I will never know the answer to that. In one corner of my mind, I can't stop thinking of why these happened at the same time. There must be a reason, and I wonder what that reason is.

Some time ago, I whined to a friend about something (which I can't remember), and she said that it is a test - we get tested on the things in life to ensure that we have learned from them, and then we can advance to the next round. What is this lesson that I am supposed to learn?

I don't want to sort to any of the clichés there is, not withstanding that none comes up to my mind right now. There are two words that do - good enough. Being a perfectionist, I spend the majority of my life overlooking how powerful these concepts can be. I would very much like to be the best, and I often forget that I am good enough.

Once upon a time, I was good enough.

Thank you for your love.

“It may have just been a moment for you, but it changed every single one that followed for me.” – I Wrote This for You (Flourish in Progress)