In life we keep coming back to those people whose presence in our lives left a footprint or two. We may not realise it at the time, but in becoming a part of our lives, they were teaching us something. These are some of those lessons.
**
On identifying true colours
But there was something about him. He was the guy that everybody wants to be near. I was somewhat sure I could not keep up. He was intoxicatingly attractive in his own way. We dived into this thing together. I saw similarities between us and this created an artificial sense of security on my part. I ignored the rest.
I am sure there were good moments, but these quickly faded. I don’t visit them very often and they dissolve into the background. In the foreground was the after math of the break up. I was no stranger to break-ups. A person’s character is most obvious in how they deal with a break up, almost similar to how they manage to find a parking spot when there was none to be found. Or if they decide to tag along on one of your shopping trips. He was used to shortcuts; it was if he was entitled to such convenience. This preference for shortcuts was one of the many red flags that I ignored and came back to punch me straight on my face, nearly broke my nose and left me bleeding.
**
On knowing oneself
He was destined to save the world – literally. He was no superhero, but he might as well have been one. I don’t think he goes around with cape, but if he does, it would be a green one. This was a man who singlehandedly goes for what he wanted, and it stung that I wasn’t one of those things.
Overtime, it became clear that it was the best thing that ever happened to us. What he wanted was and still is everything I didn’t want. I didn’t know myself then, and it scares me that he knew me so well. We made this crazy pact to get together if we were still single at a certain time. I wasn’t single and neither was he. It’s all good, my friend. Everything is like they are supposed to be. He is still saving the world, and is bloody good at that.
**
On physical attraction
He had a certain aura about him, primarily because he was so bloody handsome. Those eyes, those eyebrows and gawd, he was easily the tallest person that I had ever dated. It was pure, primal attraction on my part; and as I subsequently found out, physical attraction was an untamable beast. Therefore it was rather ironic that physically, our compatibility never tested, let alone eventuated. It was, however, the source of many terrible decisions that could have and should have been avoided.
Looking back, I am fascinated to no end – what is it about physical attraction that made you willing to overlook everything else? Like that one time when he told you that he was (ironically) physically intimate with another girl, which ‘didn’t mean anything’. Physical attraction cannot and should not be the single determining factor in this thing called compatibility in a relationship. Its importance is often overrated, although it doesn't mean that its subscribers are shallow. What it does mean is that their language of love involves physical touch.
**
On bragging
He was (and still is) the son of a rich man who flaunted his wealth on a regular basis, starting with his choice of car, which was his thanks to his parents' generosity. I used to think that this is a function of the rather shallow environment that he grew up in, or rather, operated in, but some years later, I discovered that old habits die hard. We were in a club, amongst all places, with some friends, some of whom he had just met, and there he was, bragging about his latest conquests - cars, houses and other equally materialistic pursuits.
What he didn't know (and may never find out in this life time) was the number of people who were repulsed by his actions. Instead of talking to people and getting to know them better, he was busy establishing status - that somehow, because of his acquisition of the things that displays success (which combined together screams success), he was better than the rest of us. On the other hand, I couldn't care less. So what you're rich? That doesn't (and didn't) impress me much.
On that note, so what you're educated? That doesn't impress me much.
What impresses me? Your character, your attitude, how you treat other people (with kindness), how you treat yourself (with compassion), and that you act with integrity, uphold honesty and genuinely embrace vulnerability.
Friday, 21 November 2014
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
All I want for my birthday...
I am going to be one year older soon.
And in line with keeping with tradition, I am writing a birthday wish list. I am a firm believer in telling people what you want because this increases the chance of you actually getting what you want as it takes the guess work out of the equation, and subsequently allows the other person to concentrate their efforts on getting you what you want. This, of course, does not gel well with some people. In fact, in a recent discussion I found myself in when it comes to birthday gifts, to some people, giving a wish list took away the meaning of gifting – you know the whole, I see this thing, think about you and then actually give it to you. I guess viewed this way, I am just a terrible person when it comes to gifting. Or perhaps, I just don’t know people that well to be able to give them with an object that I deem to be something they may derive a lot of enjoyment of.
But I am all in for open and transparent communication that’s often borderline inappropriate, so here we go. Before we launch into this year’s birthday list, let’s see what happened to last year’s wish list.
Running without pain. While I ran for most of this year without much pain, there were definitely moments whereby running was painful. This stays on this year’s list while I work out what is the most optimum way for me to run. My personal best for this year is 5km in 26:30. It happened just once and I haven’t had a repeat performance ever since. If I get to beat this time next year, that would be fucking awesome.
A dog. Oh gawd, I want a dog. Since forever. This is also not possible given our living situation. So this is put on hold indefinitely. It hurts my chest writing this (then again, I am currently battling a throat/chest infection).
A huge kick-ass mirror. Don’t know happened with this one because actually, found a good candidate for the apartment and then don’t know what happened, didn’t end up purchasing. Hm. Perhaps this is a good sign that this should not have been on the list.
(but I still kind of want the mirror…)
This year’s birthday wish list goes like this: all of the above plus the following (in no particular order of importance)
Fried chicken. Holy fuck, I abstained from fried chicken for a whole month and have not been missing it since then like I thought I would. I have not had fried chicken in what seems like forever and I find myself not thinking about it as often as I had been in the past. While this break up is definitely unintended, it is much welcome by my arteries and my heart, but somehow my throat responded by getting an infection (see above). That said, I want some fried chicken. It’s my birthday and I will eat fried chicken if I want to. If I die, I will die on a high, which is infinitely better in my books rather than living a mediocre, fried-chicken-less life.
Clothes that fit. I tagged along a dear friend to his tailor yesterday, and got to witness a lesson on fit. Clothes that fit is like so fucking important that I can even begin to tell you why that’s the case. Yes, I know that these days my fit standard is somewhat on the poor end of the scale, with all those oversized shirts – what can I say, it’s hot outside. Yet the real reason is that my body shape is changing, quite possibly due to my exercise routine. On this note, while I am all in for being healthy (it is after all the most important element of an enjoyable life), this whole business of changing shapes is getting annoying. Because as much as I like going shopping and dressing myself, this is also a very expensive process and my bank account needs to be kept happy.
But those things, really, are not that important. Because if I were to be completely honest, I already have all that I want. I am happy with the decisions that I make in my life, I am blessed with good health and I enjoy the company of the finest people in this life – people, whom I feel, love me without having to mouth those words.
I am very very lucky.
And I actually look forward to getting older, and hopefully, wiser.
And in line with keeping with tradition, I am writing a birthday wish list. I am a firm believer in telling people what you want because this increases the chance of you actually getting what you want as it takes the guess work out of the equation, and subsequently allows the other person to concentrate their efforts on getting you what you want. This, of course, does not gel well with some people. In fact, in a recent discussion I found myself in when it comes to birthday gifts, to some people, giving a wish list took away the meaning of gifting – you know the whole, I see this thing, think about you and then actually give it to you. I guess viewed this way, I am just a terrible person when it comes to gifting. Or perhaps, I just don’t know people that well to be able to give them with an object that I deem to be something they may derive a lot of enjoyment of.
But I am all in for open and transparent communication that’s often borderline inappropriate, so here we go. Before we launch into this year’s birthday list, let’s see what happened to last year’s wish list.
Running without pain. While I ran for most of this year without much pain, there were definitely moments whereby running was painful. This stays on this year’s list while I work out what is the most optimum way for me to run. My personal best for this year is 5km in 26:30. It happened just once and I haven’t had a repeat performance ever since. If I get to beat this time next year, that would be fucking awesome.
A dog. Oh gawd, I want a dog. Since forever. This is also not possible given our living situation. So this is put on hold indefinitely. It hurts my chest writing this (then again, I am currently battling a throat/chest infection).
A huge kick-ass mirror. Don’t know happened with this one because actually, found a good candidate for the apartment and then don’t know what happened, didn’t end up purchasing. Hm. Perhaps this is a good sign that this should not have been on the list.
(but I still kind of want the mirror…)
This year’s birthday wish list goes like this: all of the above plus the following (in no particular order of importance)
Fried chicken. Holy fuck, I abstained from fried chicken for a whole month and have not been missing it since then like I thought I would. I have not had fried chicken in what seems like forever and I find myself not thinking about it as often as I had been in the past. While this break up is definitely unintended, it is much welcome by my arteries and my heart, but somehow my throat responded by getting an infection (see above). That said, I want some fried chicken. It’s my birthday and I will eat fried chicken if I want to. If I die, I will die on a high, which is infinitely better in my books rather than living a mediocre, fried-chicken-less life.
Clothes that fit. I tagged along a dear friend to his tailor yesterday, and got to witness a lesson on fit. Clothes that fit is like so fucking important that I can even begin to tell you why that’s the case. Yes, I know that these days my fit standard is somewhat on the poor end of the scale, with all those oversized shirts – what can I say, it’s hot outside. Yet the real reason is that my body shape is changing, quite possibly due to my exercise routine. On this note, while I am all in for being healthy (it is after all the most important element of an enjoyable life), this whole business of changing shapes is getting annoying. Because as much as I like going shopping and dressing myself, this is also a very expensive process and my bank account needs to be kept happy.
But those things, really, are not that important. Because if I were to be completely honest, I already have all that I want. I am happy with the decisions that I make in my life, I am blessed with good health and I enjoy the company of the finest people in this life – people, whom I feel, love me without having to mouth those words.
I am very very lucky.
And I actually look forward to getting older, and hopefully, wiser.
Thursday, 16 October 2014
Reflections after one year of marriage
We celebrated our one-year wedding anniversary.
Every time I think about our wedding day, and now, our anniversary, I always tell myself that this time, it’s going to be different; different in the sense that I am actually going to remember this day in the years to come. I am even going to go to lengths to celebrate it. Damn, if there is one thing that I can be good at in this life, then this would be it: remembering our wedding anniversary. So far, my success rate is 100%. Ask me again next year to see if the number stays the same.
Throughout our dating life, I have a terrible history of remembering our dating anniversary. This would make for a funny story if not for the fact that the said date is actually in my diary and every single year, without fail, I make a promise to myself to remember it. So far, the success rate is big fat zero. The only consolation I take is that my other half forgets it too, so every year, it’s like this is why we are still together (and this is also one of the very many reasons why we are still married).
That was until I discover that apparently remembering anniversaries is a task for the females of the relationship. So, if the male forgets, it’s okay, because, you know, male. But females, well. I swear sometimes I am not a female. That came out wrong. Gah.
What's more relevant (and perhaps, also important) is that there is always room for improvement. While this is perhaps a little too early for me to say, the secret to remembering anniversaries – easy: pick an easy date to remember. This is why our wedding anniversary is infinitely easier to remember as supposed to our dating anniversary. As I have always said, when you have the option to set up something for yourself, design it well. Choose a good date for your wedding. It will save you a lifetime of headache and guilt. (The irony of this whole situation is that we didn’t exactly choose our wedding date – it was chosen for us in accordance with the alignment of the moon and the stars, and in the process we got lucky that it happened to be an easy date to remember. This is a sign that some things in life are just a meant-to-be.)
I started writing this post wanting to write about love, because well, that’s what weddings are all about, if you strip off the flowers, the cake and everything else. It is a celebration of love. I also discovered that it is difficult to write about love – it is simple yet complex at the same time, it is liberating and constricting all at once. The intensity of this emotion is very difficult to distill into words. Or maybe, I just don’t know enough words or how to string them together.
Sometime during the course of our first year of marriage, I managed to convince my other half that it was worthwhile doing the language of love test, if only as a confirmation of what I thought his language of love was. And being newlyweds, of course it was easy to convince him that this was something that would make me happy (ha!). Not that I didn’t get any resistance, mind you, because that test was (and maybe still is) somewhat rather repetitive and whilst he was doing it, I got a few threats of quitting. The validation I got was not limited to the confirmation of what his language of love was, it was, more importantly, his gesture of doing things that I asked, that I deemed important, even when he hardly saw any value in doing so. Oh, and of course, never quit, guys, even when the task at hand is seemingly so pointless to you. It may mean the world to someone else. What’s a few minutes of your time in exchange for a lifetime of happiness? Do I hear fantastic investment? Amen. (We love cheese.)
When we got married, we made a promise to each other that we would love each other forever. There were other words that were spoken, but essentially, that’s what it is. The key word is forever. To promise to love someone forever is a really big deal, at least in my life. I have never even promised my parents that I would love them forever (sorry Dad, Mom). And besides, in all honesty, these days, I don’t promise anyone anything anymore, and I never asked for their promises in return. I think promises, just like honesty, are expensive; I am not sure I can afford them.
Because as I got older, the more I realise that keeping a promise is never easy. Even with the best of intentions, shit happens and when you fail to keep your promise, the trust withdrawal can be oh so crippling. I should know because, well, you know, life. So I make a rule for myself that I would only make promises I know I can keep primarily to keep myself happy. Girl has priorities, okay.
A promise to love someone sounds very arbitrary at best. Sometimes, you think you are loving this person so much until it hurts your bones, but that person do not feel the same way, and then, you’re pretty much fucked. Sometimes, you think you are doing so much in an effort to love this person, and instead of making this person feel special and loved, you end up pushing him/her away. Unintentionally, of course, but it happens.
Perhaps, the promise should read: I promise to love you the way you want to be loved. But this is assuming that that person knows what sort of love he/she wants. That’s the easy bit What if this changes overtime? What are you going to do about your promise to love them forever?
Truth is that, it is rare for anyone to be able to work out what anyone else wants in the long-term sense, because, obviously, people change. Everything (and everyone) is constantly temporary. I want you to love me this way today: by eating fried chicken with me. Tomorrow, I want you to love me this way: by eating anything other than fried chicken with me so that my arteries are not clogged before I turn 34.
Just because you are married does not mean you’ve got this whole love thing all worked out. In fact, quite the opposite – you discover that this is so big and so deep it is actually beyond your comprehension (if you’re willing to admit it). How the fuck do you get a grasp on something that is so infinitely incomprehensible? Where the fuck do you start?
This whole love thing is overwhelmingly … overwhelming.
At its most basic level, I am thankful that despite all the privileges of our lives, we take pleasure in the small and simple pleasures. We don’t strive to be happy all the time, but we strive to be happy about the lives that we live. We take time to appreciate each other, even when we constantly forget anniversaries. We don’t wait for big moments. We don’t strive to create big moments. Our small moments become one big moment. The things that we do for each other every single day are the ones that bring color into the big picture.
I obviously don’t have this whole love thing figured out, but it doesn’t stop me from loving you.
Happy anniversary, le husb. I love you way more than fried chicken. And pork belly.
Every time I think about our wedding day, and now, our anniversary, I always tell myself that this time, it’s going to be different; different in the sense that I am actually going to remember this day in the years to come. I am even going to go to lengths to celebrate it. Damn, if there is one thing that I can be good at in this life, then this would be it: remembering our wedding anniversary. So far, my success rate is 100%. Ask me again next year to see if the number stays the same.
Throughout our dating life, I have a terrible history of remembering our dating anniversary. This would make for a funny story if not for the fact that the said date is actually in my diary and every single year, without fail, I make a promise to myself to remember it. So far, the success rate is big fat zero. The only consolation I take is that my other half forgets it too, so every year, it’s like this is why we are still together (and this is also one of the very many reasons why we are still married).
That was until I discover that apparently remembering anniversaries is a task for the females of the relationship. So, if the male forgets, it’s okay, because, you know, male. But females, well. I swear sometimes I am not a female. That came out wrong. Gah.
What's more relevant (and perhaps, also important) is that there is always room for improvement. While this is perhaps a little too early for me to say, the secret to remembering anniversaries – easy: pick an easy date to remember. This is why our wedding anniversary is infinitely easier to remember as supposed to our dating anniversary. As I have always said, when you have the option to set up something for yourself, design it well. Choose a good date for your wedding. It will save you a lifetime of headache and guilt. (The irony of this whole situation is that we didn’t exactly choose our wedding date – it was chosen for us in accordance with the alignment of the moon and the stars, and in the process we got lucky that it happened to be an easy date to remember. This is a sign that some things in life are just a meant-to-be.)
I started writing this post wanting to write about love, because well, that’s what weddings are all about, if you strip off the flowers, the cake and everything else. It is a celebration of love. I also discovered that it is difficult to write about love – it is simple yet complex at the same time, it is liberating and constricting all at once. The intensity of this emotion is very difficult to distill into words. Or maybe, I just don’t know enough words or how to string them together.
Sometime during the course of our first year of marriage, I managed to convince my other half that it was worthwhile doing the language of love test, if only as a confirmation of what I thought his language of love was. And being newlyweds, of course it was easy to convince him that this was something that would make me happy (ha!). Not that I didn’t get any resistance, mind you, because that test was (and maybe still is) somewhat rather repetitive and whilst he was doing it, I got a few threats of quitting. The validation I got was not limited to the confirmation of what his language of love was, it was, more importantly, his gesture of doing things that I asked, that I deemed important, even when he hardly saw any value in doing so. Oh, and of course, never quit, guys, even when the task at hand is seemingly so pointless to you. It may mean the world to someone else. What’s a few minutes of your time in exchange for a lifetime of happiness? Do I hear fantastic investment? Amen. (We love cheese.)
When we got married, we made a promise to each other that we would love each other forever. There were other words that were spoken, but essentially, that’s what it is. The key word is forever. To promise to love someone forever is a really big deal, at least in my life. I have never even promised my parents that I would love them forever (sorry Dad, Mom). And besides, in all honesty, these days, I don’t promise anyone anything anymore, and I never asked for their promises in return. I think promises, just like honesty, are expensive; I am not sure I can afford them.
Because as I got older, the more I realise that keeping a promise is never easy. Even with the best of intentions, shit happens and when you fail to keep your promise, the trust withdrawal can be oh so crippling. I should know because, well, you know, life. So I make a rule for myself that I would only make promises I know I can keep primarily to keep myself happy. Girl has priorities, okay.
A promise to love someone sounds very arbitrary at best. Sometimes, you think you are loving this person so much until it hurts your bones, but that person do not feel the same way, and then, you’re pretty much fucked. Sometimes, you think you are doing so much in an effort to love this person, and instead of making this person feel special and loved, you end up pushing him/her away. Unintentionally, of course, but it happens.
Perhaps, the promise should read: I promise to love you the way you want to be loved. But this is assuming that that person knows what sort of love he/she wants. That’s the easy bit What if this changes overtime? What are you going to do about your promise to love them forever?
Truth is that, it is rare for anyone to be able to work out what anyone else wants in the long-term sense, because, obviously, people change. Everything (and everyone) is constantly temporary. I want you to love me this way today: by eating fried chicken with me. Tomorrow, I want you to love me this way: by eating anything other than fried chicken with me so that my arteries are not clogged before I turn 34.
Just because you are married does not mean you’ve got this whole love thing all worked out. In fact, quite the opposite – you discover that this is so big and so deep it is actually beyond your comprehension (if you’re willing to admit it). How the fuck do you get a grasp on something that is so infinitely incomprehensible? Where the fuck do you start?
This whole love thing is overwhelmingly … overwhelming.
At its most basic level, I am thankful that despite all the privileges of our lives, we take pleasure in the small and simple pleasures. We don’t strive to be happy all the time, but we strive to be happy about the lives that we live. We take time to appreciate each other, even when we constantly forget anniversaries. We don’t wait for big moments. We don’t strive to create big moments. Our small moments become one big moment. The things that we do for each other every single day are the ones that bring color into the big picture.
I obviously don’t have this whole love thing figured out, but it doesn’t stop me from loving you.
Happy anniversary, le husb. I love you way more than fried chicken. And pork belly.
Sunday, 5 October 2014
On home ownership
One of the things that have been discussed ad nauseam lately is the renting versus buying your home. You all know the drill: option one is to save for that downpayment of your home and then spend the next twenty or thirty years paying the mortgage, while enjoying this thing called home ownership. Option two is to rent your home and invest your excess cash into some form of investment (most likely tied to the stock market) and then hope that by the end of the thirty years, you would have benefitted from the arrangement one way or the other.
No, I am not going to do the numbers, or present them here for you. This is because these sort of comparative analyses often depend on the assumptions behind the model and if you are really clever, you can spin it whichever way you want to. This is not to say that these models are useless; rather, we must be critical of the information that's presented to us. Do not blindly believe everything you see. Question those assumptions, change them, see if the analysis still makes sense. You can forecast into the future however you want to, with varying degrees of conservativeness, and guess what - you can never will them to reality. Or maybe you can, when you get lucky.
And from time to time, we do get lucky, and yet when this happens, we think we were so smart to have foreseen this seemingly inevitable reality happening. Actually, no. There are so many things that are beyond our control that just happen to work for us. Of course it helps that we are prepared to seize the opportunity when it first appears. We even strategise on what we would do if and when those opportunities happen.
Getting back to the numbers, I think at the end of the day, they would be pretty much the same, i.e. neither is better than the other, especially when you take into account risks profiles, time horizons, tax concessions, liquidity, time value of money... your NPV in both scenarios are likely to be close together. So really, in my opinion, this is not a decision that one should make based on numbers alone. There a lot of things in life that we do not assess by numbers, so why is it the case that our living arrangement is a decision that we make based on numbers alone? Or at least, a decision that heavily skews towards what the numbers say.
I am going to say this: cash flow wise, depending on where you live, renting is almost always more forgiving towards your bank account than buying. More often than not, you will have less cash outflow as a renter than as a buyer. So if your decision is purely based on cash flow, then this is where you stop considering all the other factors that could be relevant on this issue. And it's ok to make this decision purely based on cash flow alone. I work with money on a daily basis, so I understand where you are coming from.
However, just because you are part of the number-focused party does not mean that everyone else should subscribe to the same school of thought. Because to those who can afford it, the intangible benefits of owning your own home is something that money can't buy - the fact that they can buy it with money is part of the intangible benefits so to speak.
From this perspective, it is somewhat irrational, particularly if you think that having numbers to back you up rationalise your perspective. However, just because they are seemingly irrational does not mean they are useless. I am talking about things like the trade off between stability v flexibility, high maintenance (and its associated freedom to do whatever you fucking want) vs low maintenance (and the hassle of obtaining permission to do the smallest things), and things of similar vein. And guess what - a lot of us are actually irrational people who like to rationalise our options and decisions - and using numbers to do this can be very very dangerous.
I belong to the buy-your-home camp. I am currently paying down the mortgage to my apartment. This decision costs me at least $10k more than renting (approximately $1k per month). And no, I don't think about this as an investment; I regard it as simply buying comfort. Yes, I get that you can buy comfort some other way, this is just how I buy my comfort.
That brings me to my next point: make this decision based on the lifestyle that you deem suitable for you, not for someone else. This is perhaps the hardest thing to figure out because while most of us probably know what we want, it takes quite a lot of guts to (1) admit it and (2) make sure that your actions actually align with it. Plus there is the fear factor - the fear of making the wrong decision, especially on something so... big.
Look, if it works for you, it works for you. If it doesn't, then you need to change it. Of course it always helps to have a buffer. As I have always said, one of the ways you can prepare for life is with a strong budget. The interest rate can raise two times its current rate, and you can ride it through with your budget. Seriously, it's not that hard. It just requires you to live within your means.
No, I am not going to do the numbers, or present them here for you. This is because these sort of comparative analyses often depend on the assumptions behind the model and if you are really clever, you can spin it whichever way you want to. This is not to say that these models are useless; rather, we must be critical of the information that's presented to us. Do not blindly believe everything you see. Question those assumptions, change them, see if the analysis still makes sense. You can forecast into the future however you want to, with varying degrees of conservativeness, and guess what - you can never will them to reality. Or maybe you can, when you get lucky.
And from time to time, we do get lucky, and yet when this happens, we think we were so smart to have foreseen this seemingly inevitable reality happening. Actually, no. There are so many things that are beyond our control that just happen to work for us. Of course it helps that we are prepared to seize the opportunity when it first appears. We even strategise on what we would do if and when those opportunities happen.
Getting back to the numbers, I think at the end of the day, they would be pretty much the same, i.e. neither is better than the other, especially when you take into account risks profiles, time horizons, tax concessions, liquidity, time value of money... your NPV in both scenarios are likely to be close together. So really, in my opinion, this is not a decision that one should make based on numbers alone. There a lot of things in life that we do not assess by numbers, so why is it the case that our living arrangement is a decision that we make based on numbers alone? Or at least, a decision that heavily skews towards what the numbers say.
I am going to say this: cash flow wise, depending on where you live, renting is almost always more forgiving towards your bank account than buying. More often than not, you will have less cash outflow as a renter than as a buyer. So if your decision is purely based on cash flow, then this is where you stop considering all the other factors that could be relevant on this issue. And it's ok to make this decision purely based on cash flow alone. I work with money on a daily basis, so I understand where you are coming from.
However, just because you are part of the number-focused party does not mean that everyone else should subscribe to the same school of thought. Because to those who can afford it, the intangible benefits of owning your own home is something that money can't buy - the fact that they can buy it with money is part of the intangible benefits so to speak.
From this perspective, it is somewhat irrational, particularly if you think that having numbers to back you up rationalise your perspective. However, just because they are seemingly irrational does not mean they are useless. I am talking about things like the trade off between stability v flexibility, high maintenance (and its associated freedom to do whatever you fucking want) vs low maintenance (and the hassle of obtaining permission to do the smallest things), and things of similar vein. And guess what - a lot of us are actually irrational people who like to rationalise our options and decisions - and using numbers to do this can be very very dangerous.
I belong to the buy-your-home camp. I am currently paying down the mortgage to my apartment. This decision costs me at least $10k more than renting (approximately $1k per month). And no, I don't think about this as an investment; I regard it as simply buying comfort. Yes, I get that you can buy comfort some other way, this is just how I buy my comfort.
That brings me to my next point: make this decision based on the lifestyle that you deem suitable for you, not for someone else. This is perhaps the hardest thing to figure out because while most of us probably know what we want, it takes quite a lot of guts to (1) admit it and (2) make sure that your actions actually align with it. Plus there is the fear factor - the fear of making the wrong decision, especially on something so... big.
Look, if it works for you, it works for you. If it doesn't, then you need to change it. Of course it always helps to have a buffer. As I have always said, one of the ways you can prepare for life is with a strong budget. The interest rate can raise two times its current rate, and you can ride it through with your budget. Seriously, it's not that hard. It just requires you to live within your means.
Sunday, 21 September 2014
irritating truths on understanding the opposite sex
both men and women can be difficult to understand.
1. if a man sees his partner (who is a woman) with another man, then presumably he would be ahem, jealous. even when it is just a little bit. but he likes to act cool and says that its ok when it really is not okay. when the situation is reversed and the woman says that it is not alright (because she is jealous even when she doesnt want to admit it - just like men), she is regarded as insecure :(
jealousy is a hormonal reaction and is an uncomfortable feeling. it sucks to the core, even when it is just a little bit. it is after all one of the seven lethal sins :(
2. if a woman cries often then she is sensitive. when a man cries often, then he is errr... [insert whatever you want]. is it just me or is it really RARE for men to be crying in front of another person. when a woman does not cry, then she is insensitive. when a man does not cry, then he is err... normal?
crying is an individual preference. it is also tiring - at least for me. so i hate crying and i hate being around people who are crying. and that had just earned me the label of insensitive. oh well.
3. if a woman calls her partner and he does not answer - he is busy. if a man calls and his partner does not answer, then he freaks out. if a woman calls her partner often, then she is caring. if a man calls his partner often then he is a control freak.
calling is an individual preference. some like it, others don't.
4. this is an extension of 3. if a woman talks a lot, she is just being herself. if a man talks a lot, then he is talkatively talkative. if a woman gossips a lot, then she is just being a typical woman. if a man gossips a lot, he must be gay (or anything along those lines).
talking can be tiring, especially when they are on unnecessary topics. gossips are more often than not hilarious and hopelessly inaccurate. don't glamorise it.
5. in an argument between a man and a woman, if the man chooses to leave, he is just being himself - he retreats to his cave. if the woman choose to leave, then she doesn't care :( if a woman insists on talking things through, she is just being herself. if a man insists on talking things through, he is being pushy.
some people - like yours truly - prefer to retreat to their caves. please just let me be. sometimes, problems can't be solved by talking immediately. sometimes, we need to take a breather. it doesn't mean that i won't come back, it just means i need to detach myself for a while. when i am ready, i will come back to you. if you would still have me.
6. if a guy does x, then he is interested in the girl. if a girl does x, then she is a door mat. bah.
hey, girl has needs. at least five times a week, and one of those has to be on the weekend.
7. if a girl shows excessive pda (public display of affection), she is a slut. if a guy shows excessive pda, he is insecure. remedy: dont show pda. haHA.
8. at the end of the day, everyone is afraid of becoming emotionally irrelevant.
(wrote this back in 2009. not much has changed since then.)
1. if a man sees his partner (who is a woman) with another man, then presumably he would be ahem, jealous. even when it is just a little bit. but he likes to act cool and says that its ok when it really is not okay. when the situation is reversed and the woman says that it is not alright (because she is jealous even when she doesnt want to admit it - just like men), she is regarded as insecure :(
jealousy is a hormonal reaction and is an uncomfortable feeling. it sucks to the core, even when it is just a little bit. it is after all one of the seven lethal sins :(
2. if a woman cries often then she is sensitive. when a man cries often, then he is errr... [insert whatever you want]. is it just me or is it really RARE for men to be crying in front of another person. when a woman does not cry, then she is insensitive. when a man does not cry, then he is err... normal?
crying is an individual preference. it is also tiring - at least for me. so i hate crying and i hate being around people who are crying. and that had just earned me the label of insensitive. oh well.
3. if a woman calls her partner and he does not answer - he is busy. if a man calls and his partner does not answer, then he freaks out. if a woman calls her partner often, then she is caring. if a man calls his partner often then he is a control freak.
calling is an individual preference. some like it, others don't.
4. this is an extension of 3. if a woman talks a lot, she is just being herself. if a man talks a lot, then he is talkatively talkative. if a woman gossips a lot, then she is just being a typical woman. if a man gossips a lot, he must be gay (or anything along those lines).
talking can be tiring, especially when they are on unnecessary topics. gossips are more often than not hilarious and hopelessly inaccurate. don't glamorise it.
5. in an argument between a man and a woman, if the man chooses to leave, he is just being himself - he retreats to his cave. if the woman choose to leave, then she doesn't care :( if a woman insists on talking things through, she is just being herself. if a man insists on talking things through, he is being pushy.
some people - like yours truly - prefer to retreat to their caves. please just let me be. sometimes, problems can't be solved by talking immediately. sometimes, we need to take a breather. it doesn't mean that i won't come back, it just means i need to detach myself for a while. when i am ready, i will come back to you. if you would still have me.
6. if a guy does x, then he is interested in the girl. if a girl does x, then she is a door mat. bah.
hey, girl has needs. at least five times a week, and one of those has to be on the weekend.
7. if a girl shows excessive pda (public display of affection), she is a slut. if a guy shows excessive pda, he is insecure. remedy: dont show pda. haHA.
8. at the end of the day, everyone is afraid of becoming emotionally irrelevant.
(wrote this back in 2009. not much has changed since then.)
Thursday, 21 August 2014
On my mind
in no particular order of importance
Money. I like money, I like having money. Money enables me to do things that I would otherwise not be able to do. Money brings comfort, like warm shelter, blankets, internet connection, umbrella (especially when it rains), socks and boots (for warmth in winter), fried chicken, etc. Without money, all of these comfortable necessities would have to be eliminated. And I am spoilt for comfort. So for that reason alone, I willingly work for money.
Work. I like working - I feel like I am at my best when I am working. I am efficient, I am alert, I am aware and I am doing the best that I can every moment of every second that I am at work. I like waking up and dressing up on the morning, because I want to look my best for the day. I like investing time and money in my physical appearance. It makes me feel better about life. Sort of, you know.
Beauty. This is such a sensitive topic of conversation. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I get that. I have a weakness for beautiful things. I can't help it. I am superficial. Beauty is important, a lot more important than I previously thought - admittedly, growing up, I did not realise how important it is, until of course, after about a few decades of living, I realise how much bias there is towards beautiful people - they get treated better, they get all the good stuff, they get away with a lot of shit. And yes it is so fucking superficial, but that is the way it is. I don't think I am alone in liking beautiful things: people like beautiful things, people love beautiful people. Otherwise, how can make up and clothes and shoes and handbags become multi million dollars industries.
Choosing between beauty or brain - I don't know, because I don't know what it feels to be ridiculously beautiful, nor do I know what it feels to be ridiculously smart. I think right now I have a little bit of both, but if I were to choose only one, I am not sure which one I would choose. I don't know if I prefer to be someone so breathtakingly beautiful or someone who is super smart.
Happiness is largely illusionary. If you think you are happy, then you are happy. If you don't think you are happy, then you are not happy. So think it like you mean it - and then it happens. Happiness is not about the total absence of sadness. It is about believing that the life that you have right now is the best life that you have thus far. And that life keeps getting better everyday, even when it is not immediately obvious to you.
Feelings are illogical. Just because you feel something doesn't necessarily mean it's true. When you feel unwanted, it does not necessarily mean that the other person really doesn't want you. Feelings are illogical. Reasons cannot trump feelings sometimes, it's part of the deal of being human. You don't get to choose what you feel, really. When you suppress your feelings, that's like ... dangerous. Because really, when you feel something, what you can do is exactly that, feel it. Stop everything for just one moment, and feel it. Feel it seeping through your bones, both the good and the bad. Because to be able to feel is part of being alive.
But if you tell me that you feel unwanted by me, then the least that I can do is to acknowledge that feeling and sincerely apologise for making you feel that way. I always want to justify to myself that if I never intended to do so then the fact that it was unintentional would make it somewhat acceptable. Truth is that, it does not. Whether I intended to do so or not is irrelevant because the end result is what it is. The least that I could do is to acknowledge your feelings and take responsibility for the part I played in it.
If you don't tell me your feelings, don't expect me to know them. I am not psychic, yet.
Love. There are some people in my life that I love a lot. And some of these people are difficult to love. And for some of these people, they are perpetually difficult to love. I learn that love doesn't need a reason. Because no matter how difficult it is to love them, I would still love them anyway, no matter what happens. And there are no words that can describe this. And that's okay.
Honesty. Honesty is expensive. Don't expect it from cheap people. - Warren Buffet
one day, we can remember the pain, the reason we cried and who caused us pain, without feeling the pain. we will eventually come to the realisation that the key to being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way, in their own time. after all, what matters is not the first, nor is it the last chapter of our lives - rather how well we ran the race, each and every step of the way, especially how we get up after we fall. so, smile, laugh, forgive, believe, and love ridiculously all over again.
Money. I like money, I like having money. Money enables me to do things that I would otherwise not be able to do. Money brings comfort, like warm shelter, blankets, internet connection, umbrella (especially when it rains), socks and boots (for warmth in winter), fried chicken, etc. Without money, all of these comfortable necessities would have to be eliminated. And I am spoilt for comfort. So for that reason alone, I willingly work for money.
Work. I like working - I feel like I am at my best when I am working. I am efficient, I am alert, I am aware and I am doing the best that I can every moment of every second that I am at work. I like waking up and dressing up on the morning, because I want to look my best for the day. I like investing time and money in my physical appearance. It makes me feel better about life. Sort of, you know.
Beauty. This is such a sensitive topic of conversation. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I get that. I have a weakness for beautiful things. I can't help it. I am superficial. Beauty is important, a lot more important than I previously thought - admittedly, growing up, I did not realise how important it is, until of course, after about a few decades of living, I realise how much bias there is towards beautiful people - they get treated better, they get all the good stuff, they get away with a lot of shit. And yes it is so fucking superficial, but that is the way it is. I don't think I am alone in liking beautiful things: people like beautiful things, people love beautiful people. Otherwise, how can make up and clothes and shoes and handbags become multi million dollars industries.
Choosing between beauty or brain - I don't know, because I don't know what it feels to be ridiculously beautiful, nor do I know what it feels to be ridiculously smart. I think right now I have a little bit of both, but if I were to choose only one, I am not sure which one I would choose. I don't know if I prefer to be someone so breathtakingly beautiful or someone who is super smart.
Happiness is largely illusionary. If you think you are happy, then you are happy. If you don't think you are happy, then you are not happy. So think it like you mean it - and then it happens. Happiness is not about the total absence of sadness. It is about believing that the life that you have right now is the best life that you have thus far. And that life keeps getting better everyday, even when it is not immediately obvious to you.
Feelings are illogical. Just because you feel something doesn't necessarily mean it's true. When you feel unwanted, it does not necessarily mean that the other person really doesn't want you. Feelings are illogical. Reasons cannot trump feelings sometimes, it's part of the deal of being human. You don't get to choose what you feel, really. When you suppress your feelings, that's like ... dangerous. Because really, when you feel something, what you can do is exactly that, feel it. Stop everything for just one moment, and feel it. Feel it seeping through your bones, both the good and the bad. Because to be able to feel is part of being alive.
But if you tell me that you feel unwanted by me, then the least that I can do is to acknowledge that feeling and sincerely apologise for making you feel that way. I always want to justify to myself that if I never intended to do so then the fact that it was unintentional would make it somewhat acceptable. Truth is that, it does not. Whether I intended to do so or not is irrelevant because the end result is what it is. The least that I could do is to acknowledge your feelings and take responsibility for the part I played in it.
If you don't tell me your feelings, don't expect me to know them. I am not psychic, yet.
Love. There are some people in my life that I love a lot. And some of these people are difficult to love. And for some of these people, they are perpetually difficult to love. I learn that love doesn't need a reason. Because no matter how difficult it is to love them, I would still love them anyway, no matter what happens. And there are no words that can describe this. And that's okay.
Honesty. Honesty is expensive. Don't expect it from cheap people. - Warren Buffet
one day, we can remember the pain, the reason we cried and who caused us pain, without feeling the pain. we will eventually come to the realisation that the key to being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way, in their own time. after all, what matters is not the first, nor is it the last chapter of our lives - rather how well we ran the race, each and every step of the way, especially how we get up after we fall. so, smile, laugh, forgive, believe, and love ridiculously all over again.
Friday, 27 June 2014
Where expectation and reality collide
'should be, could be, would be - those phrases do not exist in my vocabulary. The fact is, the way it is is the way it is...'
Just a short note today which is pretty much my impression on someone that I recently met, through some serendipitous circumstances (always make room for serendipity, guys! You’ll never know what’s waiting for you on the other side.) and a reconciliation of my thoughts on marriage.
One of the many lessons that I learn is, if I can put a label on it, about detachment. Or perhaps, even that constitutes an inaccurate description. It is about not being caught up in the outcome of things. In life we have dreams and aspirations and for some of us who are lucky enough to know what these are and are actively taking steps so that we could be closer to them, it is easy to forget that the process is just as important as the destination. In our minds, we have this image of success that constitutes us achieving a particular outcome. And we often forget to understand that things are going to happen that are outside our control, and the only thing we can do about these is to accept them and move on.
It is always tempting to try to control life so that everything happens the way we want it to be, after all, having this image of our dreams can be a powerful tool to influence our behaviours and direct our actions to manipulate life into giving us what we want. Yet life does not always work this way. When we get so attached to what we desperately want to happen, which is the reason why we do what we do, well, we are not exactly living life the way we should be.
It has taken me a very long time to understand this. When I put forth an analytical view of my life and everything that’s in it, and then I project different outcomes through some sort of scenario analysis, there is never any guarantee that these intended outcomes will follow the executed course of action. This is because change is a constant, things are going to change, people are going to change, and that includes us, if we are lucky.
What this really means is that one day, we may feel one way about something, and tomorrow, we may feel differently about the same thing. I really really like consuming fried chicken these days, but there is always that possibility that tomorrow I may stop liking it altogether. I am relatively young and relatively healthy right now, and I know that consuming fried chicken is not the best thing I can do for my body, so in a way, I sort of anticipate that the day will come that I will cease liking fried chicken consumption. And why not? Why should I allow my current self to determine my food consumption pattern for the rest of my life?
This same logic applies to everything else, to any kind of relationships. I am going to apply this to the most important relationship in my life, being my marriage.
I am married to the most wonderful man in my life. I wanted to marry him (want to stay married to him) and I am in love with him. Before I married him, this thought did cross my mind: what if I stop feeling this way about him? What if we both don’t feel love towards each other at some point? What if this and what if that – the list of what if’s are endless. This is what you get if you have an analytical mind like mine.
The answer is that I don’t know. All that I know is that at that point in time (and at this point in time), I have every intention of loving him for the rest of my life, as I am sure he to me. This is perhaps the only thing that I can be certain of because everything else is yet to happen. This is working for the time being, and it seems to be working fine. We have the common goal of making it work, so we promise to evolve with whatever change that comes our way.
The outcome of this well-meaning intention can be anything, really. We, or I should say, I, take comfort in giving this my best shot, while being open-minded about what the outcome would be. I can only hope that we both change in directions that are mostly compatible with each other and most beneficial for us as individuals. I want my husband to be able to do whatever he wants to do, so that he can continue to move in the direction that makes his heart sings, and I hope he wants the same for me.
The very same logic applies to all kinds of relationships. In the beginning, two people seemingly serendipitous-ly bumped into each other, got talking and started being friends. As they live their lives, they grow as individuals, as every human being would; they change with time. If they are lucky they change for the better; if they are really really lucky, they change each other for the better, and still remain friends for years to come. However, sometimes, the alternative happens: they grow apart, and no matter how hard they work on the friendship, despite their best intentions, it is just not happening. This is neither good nor bad. The fact is that, the way it is is the way it is. Thus we detach ourselves to the outcome of the relationship, or our expectation of the outcome, or the idea of how the friendship should be, and instead appreciate the friendship for what it really is: a friendship.
Relax, and just live.
Just a short note today which is pretty much my impression on someone that I recently met, through some serendipitous circumstances (always make room for serendipity, guys! You’ll never know what’s waiting for you on the other side.) and a reconciliation of my thoughts on marriage.
One of the many lessons that I learn is, if I can put a label on it, about detachment. Or perhaps, even that constitutes an inaccurate description. It is about not being caught up in the outcome of things. In life we have dreams and aspirations and for some of us who are lucky enough to know what these are and are actively taking steps so that we could be closer to them, it is easy to forget that the process is just as important as the destination. In our minds, we have this image of success that constitutes us achieving a particular outcome. And we often forget to understand that things are going to happen that are outside our control, and the only thing we can do about these is to accept them and move on.
It is always tempting to try to control life so that everything happens the way we want it to be, after all, having this image of our dreams can be a powerful tool to influence our behaviours and direct our actions to manipulate life into giving us what we want. Yet life does not always work this way. When we get so attached to what we desperately want to happen, which is the reason why we do what we do, well, we are not exactly living life the way we should be.
It has taken me a very long time to understand this. When I put forth an analytical view of my life and everything that’s in it, and then I project different outcomes through some sort of scenario analysis, there is never any guarantee that these intended outcomes will follow the executed course of action. This is because change is a constant, things are going to change, people are going to change, and that includes us, if we are lucky.
What this really means is that one day, we may feel one way about something, and tomorrow, we may feel differently about the same thing. I really really like consuming fried chicken these days, but there is always that possibility that tomorrow I may stop liking it altogether. I am relatively young and relatively healthy right now, and I know that consuming fried chicken is not the best thing I can do for my body, so in a way, I sort of anticipate that the day will come that I will cease liking fried chicken consumption. And why not? Why should I allow my current self to determine my food consumption pattern for the rest of my life?
This same logic applies to everything else, to any kind of relationships. I am going to apply this to the most important relationship in my life, being my marriage.
I am married to the most wonderful man in my life. I wanted to marry him (want to stay married to him) and I am in love with him. Before I married him, this thought did cross my mind: what if I stop feeling this way about him? What if we both don’t feel love towards each other at some point? What if this and what if that – the list of what if’s are endless. This is what you get if you have an analytical mind like mine.
The answer is that I don’t know. All that I know is that at that point in time (and at this point in time), I have every intention of loving him for the rest of my life, as I am sure he to me. This is perhaps the only thing that I can be certain of because everything else is yet to happen. This is working for the time being, and it seems to be working fine. We have the common goal of making it work, so we promise to evolve with whatever change that comes our way.
The outcome of this well-meaning intention can be anything, really. We, or I should say, I, take comfort in giving this my best shot, while being open-minded about what the outcome would be. I can only hope that we both change in directions that are mostly compatible with each other and most beneficial for us as individuals. I want my husband to be able to do whatever he wants to do, so that he can continue to move in the direction that makes his heart sings, and I hope he wants the same for me.
The very same logic applies to all kinds of relationships. In the beginning, two people seemingly serendipitous-ly bumped into each other, got talking and started being friends. As they live their lives, they grow as individuals, as every human being would; they change with time. If they are lucky they change for the better; if they are really really lucky, they change each other for the better, and still remain friends for years to come. However, sometimes, the alternative happens: they grow apart, and no matter how hard they work on the friendship, despite their best intentions, it is just not happening. This is neither good nor bad. The fact is that, the way it is is the way it is. Thus we detach ourselves to the outcome of the relationship, or our expectation of the outcome, or the idea of how the friendship should be, and instead appreciate the friendship for what it really is: a friendship.
Relax, and just live.
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