On my mind

in no particular order of importance

Money. I like money, I like having money. Money enables me to do things that I would otherwise not be able to do. Money brings comfort, like warm shelter, blankets, internet connection, umbrella (especially when it rains), socks and boots (for warmth in winter), fried chicken, etc. Without money, all of these comfortable necessities would have to be eliminated. And I am spoilt for comfort. So for that reason alone, I willingly work for money.

Work. I like working - I feel like I am at my best when I am working. I am efficient, I am alert, I am aware and I am doing the best that I can every moment of every second that I am at work. I like waking up and dressing up on the morning, because I want to look my best for the day. I like investing time and money in my physical appearance. It makes me feel better about life. Sort of, you know.

Beauty. This is such a sensitive topic of conversation. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I get that. I have a weakness for beautiful things. I can't help it. I am superficial. Beauty is important, a lot more important than I previously thought - admittedly, growing up, I did not realise how important it is, until of course, after about a few decades of living, I realise how much bias there is towards beautiful people - they get treated better, they get all the good stuff, they get away with a lot of shit. And yes it is so fucking superficial, but that is the way it is. I don't think I am alone in liking beautiful things: people like beautiful things, people love beautiful people. Otherwise, how can make up and clothes and shoes and handbags become multi million dollars industries.

Choosing between beauty or brain - I don't know, because I don't know what it feels to be ridiculously beautiful, nor do I know what it feels to be ridiculously smart. I think right now I have a little bit of both, but if I were to choose only one, I am not sure which one I would choose. I don't know if I prefer to be someone so breathtakingly beautiful or someone who is super smart.

Happiness is largely illusionary. If you think you are happy, then you are happy. If you don't think you are happy, then you are not happy. So think it like you mean it - and then it happens. Happiness is not about the total absence of sadness. It is about believing that the life that you have right now is the best life that you have thus far. And that life keeps getting better everyday, even when it is not immediately obvious to you.

Feelings are illogical. Just because you feel something doesn't necessarily mean it's true. When you feel unwanted, it does not necessarily mean that the other person really doesn't want you. Feelings are illogical. Reasons cannot trump feelings sometimes, it's part of the deal of being human. You don't get to choose what you feel, really. When you suppress your feelings, that's like ... dangerous. Because really, when you feel something, what you can do is exactly that, feel it. Stop everything for just one moment, and feel it. Feel it seeping through your bones, both the good and the bad. Because to be able to feel is part of being alive.

But if you tell me that you feel unwanted by me, then the least that I can do is to acknowledge that feeling and sincerely apologise for making you feel that way. I always want to justify to myself that if I never intended to do so then the fact that it was unintentional would make it somewhat acceptable. Truth is that, it does not. Whether I intended to do so or not is irrelevant because the end result is what it is. The least that I could do is to acknowledge your feelings and take responsibility for the part I played in it.

If you don't tell me your feelings, don't expect me to know them. I am not psychic, yet.

Love. There are some people in my life that I love a lot. And some of these people are difficult to love. And for some of these people, they are perpetually difficult to love. I learn that love doesn't need a reason. Because no matter how difficult it is to love them, I would still love them anyway, no matter what happens. And there are no words that can describe this. And that's okay.

Honesty. Honesty is expensive. Don't expect it from cheap people. - Warren Buffet

one day, we can remember the pain, the reason we cried and who caused us pain, without feeling the pain. we will eventually come to the realisation that the key to being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way, in their own time. after all, what matters is not the first, nor is it the last chapter of our lives - rather how well we ran the race, each and every step of the way, especially how we get up after we fall. so, smile, laugh, forgive, believe, and love ridiculously all over again.