But dickheads will always be around

Recently a close friend shared a very personal story of violation of personal space and privacy. Long story short, she had a familiar stranger (as in someone that is a stranger to you, but exists in your life and has a minor involvement in your life) saw her naked, uninvited. Don't ask me about how this happened etc, you kind of need to accept this as a given fact. Why - because I am not at liberty to disclose the details, that is something that you need to ask her.

I am not going to pretend that I understand what she's been going through because, uhm, well, I... don't. And I'd like to accept that it happened to her without a personal understanding of what it feels like (come on, who would like that sort of thing to happen to them?). I believe this is possible - read here for a very beautiful explanation as to why it's possible. 

I often say that I am a doctor and if I can research something, I would complete and totally research the fuck out of it, which is what I did, and which is also what leads to this piece of writing. Not so much the research because it's rather extensive and I am not in the mood to write a summary of the whole thing, but more like my thoughts, the thoughts that I have that I think are worth sharing. 

I don't want to get into the line of discussion on how hard it is to be a female (in comparison to a male) or how hard it is to be an attractive female, or even how hard it is to be upfront about the fact that you think you are attractive (just google Samantha Bricks and you get the idea). Here is the deal: in this life, some people are more attractive than others and some people are complete dickheads, and the worst of this bunch are the ones who actually are dickheads but think they are nice guys. I should know because I've encountered quite a variety of them. 

There are two things that stood out to me: one is this writing here and the other is here. These two pieces of writing touch upon what it really means when you tell someone that he/she is hot. 

I admit that I am guilty of telling people that they are hot - although to be completely honest, I do not use the word hot. I said something along the lines of you look great, which is often made in relation to what they are wearing, most of the time, it's about their footwear of choice (my shoe addiction kicks in on a pretty regular basis). That said, I am not exactly precise in my compliments so it is very possible that what I say has been construed as something that means anything other than what I intended. And yes, I am mortified just thinking about it. (I experienced something along these lines just a few days ago - literally. It was not a nice feeling. I didn't even know how to apologise or where to begin apologising. This is really shit. It is like you want to explain that you did not intend it to be that way, but the damage, no matter how unintentional, had been done. The least you can do is to acknowledge it, and apologise, which I did.)

Because something (to me) that is as simple as a compliment that is designed (by me) to make someone else feels better can mean anything but because of some prior experiences that this someone else has had. Even when there is no way that I could have had knowledge of these prior experiences, at the very minimal, as a person with good intentions (or at least, I'd like to believe so), I should be aware of the unintended consequences of my actions. The possibility is remote, but that's not the point. The point is that, it exists. We can't escape our histories. 

We all want to live a good life - a life whereby we are free to do whatever we want to do (within reason) and we have the liberty to pursue our interests and bloom into individuals that we are destined to be. In short, a life whereby we can simply be ourselves, within reason. To me, this means a life whereby I can wear anything that I want to wear, within reason. I used to think this was possible until I realised that it was not always possible, particularly not when I ventured out alone. This was (and still is) possible when I am out and about with le boyf who would somehow act as a deterrent from all the dickheads out there who would tell me that they want to fuck me. Yeah sure, I find it so life-affirming that I am so fuckable (sarcasm alert).

I don't really get how guys can think that telling a woman that you want to fuck her is a compliment. It is NOT. 

I don't really get how guys whom have been "rejected" by the said woman can cry "bitch, whore, slut" and then call themselves a nice guy in the same breath - because if you really are nice, you would be kind and helpful without asking for anything in return. Yes, that means, when you treat us to lunch and/or dinner and then you expect sex in return, well, that's like a transaction, a modern day prostitution kind of thing. That's not kindness on your part. [I should clarify that I don't have anything against prostitution - it's fine insofar as all the parties involved are consenting adults. Yes I get that not all prostitutions are as clear cut as this, but cut me some slack here ok, I am not commenting on illegal human trade/slavery, which is like a different kind of ball game altogether.]

If you really are kind like you claim you are, you would expect nothing in return. That's when you are sincere in your actions and that's when you are likely to score a fuck or two. Even if you don't end up scoring the fucks, at least you would feel good from simply being kind, if you really are sincere. 

If you do not want to be kind with no strings attached, how about this: do not pretend that you are kind. Because there are some people who can see through you and when these people call you upon your pretension, you continue your lie by claiming that these people are bitches who reject a "nice" guy. The truly nice guys in this world are too nice to even say anything to truly defend themselves when their identities are stolen by some dickheads who claim that they are nice guys. 

That leaves people like me, the so-called bitches, who would write something like this in the hope that this will provoke your thoughts into thinking about your real motivations and intentions. We judge ourselves by our intentions, but other people judge us through our actions. So it's our job to make sure that our intentions and our actions are aligned, so that the chance of miscommunication is minimised. 

I did not realise how this bothered me, until I hear my friend's story and I thought about how horrifying it must have felt for her to be violated that way. Prior to this point, even when I was aware of how bad it must have felt, I had absolutely not idea the extent to which it changed someone's life. As they said, it has to get personal (and this is as personal as it gets for me at this point in time). 

And for those of you who would like to read more, start here and his follow up here. 

But you've lost weight! (How to Lose Weight)

Warning: rants ahead.

The third instalment on talking about my weight. Read part 1 here. Part 2 here. And oh, what the heck, read preamble here. A lot of people say that I am obsessed with how I look, and that's fine, because I am. I have said so myself. And this is the thing alright, I am obsessed with how I  look. I like looking at other beautiful things (read: I like looking at beautiful women), but I swear I am not obsessed with how they look. There is a subtle (or maybe not so subtle) difference.

Because the response to what I wrote has been largely this: but you've lost weight! As if it doesn't matter whether it is incidental or not, it happened and that is all that mattered? And as I have said over and over again, why does this matter to anyone else but me? Seen from this light, does this not mean that these people are obsessed about how other people (such as yours truly) look? The very same people are the same people who pay annoyingly close attention to what I eat or don't eat for that matter. And since these people do not exactly sit down and share meals with me (because I quite frankly do not like hanging out with them), they ask me to my face what I eat. Or if they happen to see what I eat, they would scrutinise it like there's no tomorrow. Really guys, there are other things worth obsessing about other than what I eat.

Why are people so obsessed about how other people lose weight? I mean, these are the same people who are very likely to say you are too skinny and how do you lose all the weight in a single breath. These people are fucking annoying to me. Put simply, here is the thing, one of them is rude, and the other is a legitimate question, which can be asked without the first sentence. Get it?

If you want to know, you could've asked nicely. Who am I kidding? That word doesn't exist in your vocabulary. 

So, how to lose weight?

(1) Quit sugar. Really, seriously. You won't miss it at all. Actually, maybe you will miss it a little bit, which is what happens when you've been addicted (don't worry, most of us are/were). But it is manageable after two weeks. Two weeks, by the way, is the time period that it takes for the body to adjust to a new routine. So any new habit you want to acquire to replace a bad habit, stick it out for two weeks and you're set.

(2) Quit sugar. Really, seriously. You gotta quit sugar twice. Because the second time around is designed to make you more aware of the sugar that you inadvertently consume in any given day. Plus it's easier and it makes you feel good better. Yes, I am of the school of thought along the lines of "fat doesn't make you fat, sugar makes you fat."

(3) Eat protein. Yes, you can do the Dukan diet if you want, but I did not do this. I just like my fried chicken too much. And my bacon and eggs. And my steaks. And fried chicken. And more fried chicken. Ok, you get the idea.

(4) Run. Or do whatever exercise you want to do. Exercise is good for us, yadidadida, bla bla bla.

But this is too hard! Don't want to do it? That's fine. Don't do it. That's why you're fat. Just don't tell other people that they are too skinny because what you're really saying is ... you're too fat. Hey, your perception, your pick. And for fuck's sake, stop obsessing on how other people look and start obsessing on how you, yourself, look, will ya? You will get the body you want - guaranteed.

Further along commenting on my weight

So. Ever since I asked people to stop commenting on my weight, I find myself in situations whereby I had to explain myself on the following things.

1. I did not set out to lose weight. 
A lot of you are probably rolling your eyes right now. Yes,  I know, I am vain, I am obsessive about my looks and yeah, okay, something along those lines. I am also of view that a lot of people are in the same boat as I am, they are just not as vocal about it. It's like who doesn't want to be beautiful. Most people in this planet actively seek out ways to beautify themselves, it is just that for some, it is more obvious and more physical than others. Hey, don't judge, okay. I readily admitted that I am superficial. I am superficial and I am proud of it.

I started running because of this competition called the JP Morgan Corporate Challenge. My boss made it mandatory for his team (which is basically like everyone in the firm) to participate in this challenge. That was back in October last year and I have written a gazillion shit about it so you can scroll past the archives if you want to see them. Long story short, I couldn't stop running.

Because I am a doctor, research on anything and everything I am interested is a natural extension of ... my life. Of course I did not like running to begin with, but I was curious as to how people enjoy it, how they manage to enjoy all the associated discomfort of running. So off researching I went, and I also experimented on various things. I am not going to detail everything here because what works for me may not work for everyone. If you want to optimise your running, go and research and experiment yourself, thankyouverymuch.

Do I push myself hard every running session? Of course not.I am not that motivated yet. The speed of my run is contingent upon how much time I have and how far I want to run. When I wake up late (trust me, despite my best effort, it happens), I can only run a shorter distance albeit at a faster speed. My fastest 5km run was done when I woke up late and I wanted to run, and prior to that run, I had never run harder in my life. But this is rare. Most of days I wake up and then do an enjoyable session of running whereby I don't push myself that hard. Of course I still push myself, just not that hard.

Because of all these running, the weight loss happened.

2. The message on people who are fat
One of the reasons as to why I was hesitant writing about telling people that it is rude for them to tell anyone that they are too skinny is that I knew that there were going to be some fat people out there who were going to, well, be irrationally offended. To these people, who were quite frankly just taking anything and everything waaayyy too personally: if I am too skinny, you're too fat.

3. Kindness and human connection
The nicest and kindest of all people who read the blog and realised that they had at some point made observations about my weight have spoken to me and apologised about being rude, albeit unintentionally. These people and their simple acts of kindness have restored my faith in humanity. Thank you, thank you, thank you, I love you so much.

In fact, most people who read the blog stopped commenting on my weight altogether, which is really nice. They changed what they comment on though, to the fact that my clothes are falling off me. That brings me to my next point.

4. The battle with my wardrobe
Ah the transitional wardrobe period. The perfect excuse for shopping, literally. I have never had my boyf encourages me shopping like he does these days. (Case in point: he bought me a dress the other day, and yes, it fits me perfectly.)

If I were to describe my relationship with my wardrobe, it would be a ongoing love-hate relationship, with more love than hate. At the moment, we are quite unfortunately in the hate phase because most of its contents do not fit me like they used to. I guess this is a relatively nice problem to have.

I have two options: alter them (and since I have zero sewing skills and zero patience, I gotta go to the tailor for this) or give them away. I guess I have a third option that is to sell them, but I have not considered this seriously out of ... er... laziness? If I am really pushing it, I have the option to store them, but I am not comfortable with this option right now. I try not to get too attached with my clothes despite loving them a lot. Yes, I know it's weird but it's true.

It seems like I am perpetually building my wardrobe. The only difference is that in the past, it has always been out of desire rather than out of necessity, like it is right now. Doing this out of desire means I have the luxury of time, which I don't really have right now, unless if my current clothes shrink. Plus I am also not in a position to shop because I am somewhat rather time poor (read: do not have and have not made the time to go shopping).

As part of wardrobe cleaning, in light of the recent building collapse in Bangladesh, I've been petrified when I discovered that some of my clothes were made in Bangladesh. I realise that there is nothing that I can do with regards to clothes that I already own except to keep on wearing them until they can't be worn any more so that ... err... I don't know how to explain this. So yeah, you kind of have to guess it. Jean from extrapetite wrote a blogpost about this, so if you want to see a fashion blogger's perspective, please go and read her post.

If I were to step back and think about this, this is an exciting time - I get to indulge in an activity that I like, I get to formulate new looks and tweak my style, or even change it altogether. I would like to make better choices and purchase items that I am excited about over and over again to prolong their use. I admit that given I have limited finances as we speak, price does play a rather important factor in my decision. The thing that bugs me the most is that these days, price is not always necessarily an indication of quality, or social and ethical stance.

I am also of view that it is not sufficient that a company has a piece of paper that states that it observes a certain social and ethical standards - especially when I do not know how credible this piece of paper is. This depends on the issuers, and how stringent they are in maintaining their standards and their reputations. Preferably, they conduct audits or something similar to ensure that their members do maintain their stated social and ethical standards. Preferably members do abide by this and observe this as a basic requirement of business practice and we can bring lasting changes to the way these textile workers are treated. Does such an organisation exist by the way? Does anyone know?

Of course I like shopping, but I am a slow shopper and I like to think about my purchases instead of just buying them impulsively. Or at least, that's what I am trying to do. Changing a habit is hard, but this is one of those habits that is actually useful to tweak. .

Ok, I am exhausted so this post is going to abruptly end here. Good nite peeps! 

for women who are 'difficult' to love | Warsan Shire

Happy Weekend! I have a lot of things to do and have had no time to write (lame). So, this poem will have to do. Until then - enjoy life! x

"for women who are 'difficult' to love."
Warsan Shire

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

Does thinking about something too often means you want that something?

As you can already probably tell, I think a lot. A lot of thinking about far too many things. Things that I probably shouldn't think about, but do anyway, and not necessarily derive pleasure nor satisfaction from such things. In short, it gives me a headache.

But since I think about things far too often, I get headaches on a regular basis, such that I think, headches are like err.. the constant feeling that I have, so much so that I got used to them.

In case you are wondering, no, I am not thinking about inappropriate thoughts. Define inappropriate however inappropriately you want to. hehe.

My question is this: does thinking about something too often means you want that something?

I think the answer is only yes when it applies to shoes.

And then I buy the said shoes so that I stop thinking about them, only to, oh well, start thinking about a different pair of shoes, which I almost always end up buying, and the cycle goes on.

Funnily enough, this only applies to shoes for me. Yes, that sort of means I am shallow. Whatever.

And then I think about money

Lately I've been thinking a lot about money. Ok, I think a lot about money on a regular basis; it's just been waaaay more recently. I subscribe to the school of thought that money is important in this life, but it is not that important. Other things that are more important than money include health, friendships and relationships. Health can be in the form of physical health, mental health, emotional health - which overlaps with friendships and relationships. You get the idea. 

I think when discussing money, one of the things that people would never admit openly is the fact that they regard money as the most important thing in their lives. This is because, well, mostly, they just don't realise it. Or maybe because we've been so ingrained within a particular mindset that it is difficult to divorce ourselves from such views. These views often have been passed down from generation to generation, or perhaps even, eventuate out of hardships. It is not about being right or being wrong. It is just a point of view. 

I notice a trend that eventually, most people realise that money is not everything, that there are things that are more important than money in this life, and those things are so precious that even money can't buy them. I am thinking along the lines of peace of mind, an ability to fall asleep without gulping any medicine, time to spend with people who matter the most. 

Passion vs Money

The luckiest people in this planet are able to marry their passion with money; and these people are not necessarily those who work with money. These are the people who are able to generate money (an income) from their passions. For these people, being away from their work is annoying because it stops them from doing something that they love. There is no work-life balance, because work is life. For the rest of the population, work is not life, and we need work-life balance. We are also faced with the option of passion vs money. Do we pursue our passion OR do we put money first? 

We only have limited amount of time in the day. Let's say, we sleep for 7 hours a day. That leaves 17 hours of awake time, 8 hours or so we spend working, about 1 hour commuting, 1 hour of grooming, 2 hours of eating/cooking, 1 hour of rest, so if we are lucky, we have 4 hours to do whatever we want to do - i.e. pursuing a hobby or spending time with people we love, subject to their availability. Most people do not even have these 4 hours in their days - because they take longer to commute or to groom or spend more time eating/cooking/cleaning. 

What this really means is that the 8 hours or so that we spend working, for a lot of people, becomes the critical time whereby they feel like they should do something meaningful. This is only natural given that it is the largest block of time spend doing something during waking hours. So we are faced with this passion v money dilemma - most of us are. We learn to make a decision and be at peace with it, at least for the time being. We learn to adopt a more long term horizon. We basically learn to make peace with our choices. 

It does not mean that what we choose right now is what we are stuck with for the rest of our lives. We can change this any time we want to. Of course this change is difficult, it takes effort and in some cases, it takes sacrifices. But it is necessary to sustain who we are, who we really are. If we don't fight for this, then I am not sure if life is worth living for. (Ok, that's rather dramatic, but you get the point. There is no point of you living someone else's life. You gotta make your own decisions in your life and be happy with yourself.)

Money does not solve all problems  
A lot of the time we fall under this illusion that having money means we've got it all. This is a pretty common illusion to have, and this illusion is certainly one of the reasons that people put money over passion. Money does solve problems, just not all of them, and definitely not all at once.

Granted that we need a roof over our heads and nourishing meals and preferably well-fitting clothes to sustain us, but this is only the beginning. There are other things that we can utilise to enhance our lives, you know, things such as education and intellectual pursuits in general, or some creative pursuits, both of which require resources, in the form of most certainly time and money.

Being debt free has been described as an end-goal for a lot of people. There is something so bloody appealing about financial freedom that it is hard to find someone who doesn't want it (then again, who doesn't want freedom in general? Remember being a teenager and wishing that you grow up and have all the freedom in the world?). I think this is because attaining financial freedom means you free up your time to pursue your passion - or anything else that you deem meaningful for your life. Isn't nice to wake up in the morning and not worry about money - at the very minimal, it is one less thing to worry about.

That said, life does go on and with one less thing to worry about, there are bound to be other issues that arise and some of these issues you can't quite solve with money. This is somewhat rather ironic but it is also very true. When we have a problem, our first instinct is to throw more resources (i.e. money) into the problem in the hope that it will solve it. But more often than not, throwing more money into something, without proper planning, ends up exacerbating the problem. Or even worse, it creates more problems.

Having money creates new problems
Having more money is a challenge that everyone welcomes (come on, who doesn't want more money) but not everyone can successfully tackle (i.e. spend utilise wisely). I personally believe that being able to have more money means a more responsibility to spend it appropriately. Look at Bill Gates and Warren Buffett that pledge their wealth to social causes. These are the kinds of responsibility that I am referring to.

The thing about having more money (or just having money) means that we get comfortable - or sometimes, too comfortable. And when we get too comfortable, we forget to grow. Or maybe we still grow, but we may forget to grow in more innovative ways because nothing is really pushing us to our limits. When we are pushed to our limits, we discover new things about us that we previously never thought about before. We grow in ways that we could not previously imagine.

One of the challenges of having money is to ensure that they get utilised in a way that's most rewarding. One of the challenges of not having money is to ensure that what you've got is being utilised in a way that's more rewarding. The latter is easier than the former because in the latter scenario, you only get to focus on your top priorities, and probably have to make do without for the rest of things of your list. With the former, you get to satisfy your top priorities and then you have decisions to make as to what to do with the rest.

My favourite reading on money is this piece by the Financial Samurai: no point making money if you don't spend it. And with that, I am going to end this post.

Happy Anzac Day! 

I am asking you to stop commenting on my weight

How do I begin to explain this. One of the constant theme in my life these days is this thing called patience. The way I see it, some people have unlimited reserve of patience and I am not one of these people yet. I am pretty sure being part of this crowd has its own perks, so I tell myself that, yeah, maybe it's a good idea. That really means I have to work on being patient. I don't know whether it is a practice thing or whether what I am embarking on is basically a terrible idea, but either way, I am somewhat wishful that the former is more true than the latter.

And as is always when I make a point to be patient, my patience is tested. I am pretty sure that this is quite possibly the result of me being more aware of the whole exercise, instead of the tests coming just because I am working on my patience levels. Nevertheless, working on this is fucking exhausting and I pray every single fucking day that it is going be all worth it in the end.

The ultimate test of my patience these days comes in the form of dealing with people who tell me that I am too skinny. I am pretty sure this bunch of people do not read my blog, so they just do not know that it is just RUDE to tell other people that they are too skinny. This is because (1) you would not tell anyone that they are too fat - in fact, I dare you to tell a fat person that they are fat to their faces. I would give $100 to anyone who is willing to come up to a fat person of my choice that tell him/her that he/she is too fat. And since it is just so socially inappropriate to tell a fat person that he/she is too fat, how is that any different for someone who is too skinny? And (2) some people are just skinny, period. Yes, there are skinny people who have been fat for part of their lives. These people lose weight, become skinny and that's just the way it is because right now, being the slim versions of themselves, they are healthier than ever and they are eating more than ever.

I am ANNOYED at the number of people telling me that I am too skinny. I get that my clothes do not fit properly because most of the things in my wardrobe do not fit like they used to (they used to fit very well, thankyouverymuch), and do you people realise that it takes time to build a functional wardrobe that fits well??? Especially if you have limited time and limited funds and most of your money is paying this thing called the mortgage?

I debated with myself whether to write this and hit publish - or not. On one hand, I do ignore these people quite a lot because well, they don't give a shit about me, really. They are just built to say anything to make themselves feel better, or to make themselves look good, or both. They don't give a fucking shit when I stated all the facts that (1) I eat regularly and that (2) I eat a lot, even when I don't always eat a lot in front of them. WHY DO I HAVE TO EAT IN FRONT OF THEM?? On the other hand, my patience when it comes to this issue is running low because I am supposed to grit my teeth and hold my tongue whenever someone comes up to me and say that they think I am too skinny. The worst kind are the ones who told me in a single breath that they care about me and they do not want me to develop an eating disorder. And I am supposed to take all of these in with gratitude that there are people out there who cares about me?

Well. You obviously do not know me that well, do you. And no, I don't feel like you care about me at all when you make such terrible assumption about the state of my health, just because I am skinnier than you. In fact, I feel you are being rude to me when you say all of that because you don't fucking know how much I eat, thank you very much.

And to the next person who tells me to eat more - how about this: "I think you are too fat. You need to eat less. I am saying this because I am concerned about your well being. I do not want you to become morbidly obese."

Peace guys. Stop commenting on my weight and my eating habits. You are all so rude. I am not that patient yet.