The forgiveness experiment

So you’re broken. And then what?

I have said this previously: some people are malfunctioning, malicious and broken beyond repair. This is because, I think, they’ve been broken one too many times.

I also think that I am one of these people. I don’t know how to un-break myself. Like when I am confronted with a person who has caused me immense pain and an opportunity to be forgiving, I almost always choose the unfavourable end of the spectrum. Forgiving is like a foreign language to me. [Clarification: key word is immense. If there is no immense pain, I can forgive relatively easily.] This is made more difficult when that person is not exactly repentant, or at least, acknowledge the extent of pain that was caused, although I admit this is difficult to ascertain from the outset.

I often wish that I am more Mother Teresa:

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.  Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.  Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.  For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa

A lot of people probably know what forgiveness feels like, but may not necessarily be able to define it. We can say that it is about letting go of anger and disappointment and eventually moving towards the territories of something more positive – and hopefully reach a point of conciliation. For some, it goes even further: forgetting the offence, or even, pardoning the said offence, and eliminating resentment. Or that forgiveness can only be extended when the harm done on the part of the wrongdoer has been recognised. Notwithstanding all of these 'criteria', almost in every case, forgiveness is an option, we may take it, or we may leave it. There is actually no right or wrong because the nature of this act is so personal, but we live in a society that expects certain things to be forgiven simply by virtue of love, and conversely, certain things are deemed unforgivable because forgiving in this situation is perceived as a sign of weakness, submission, lack of boundaries or something along those lines. If you subscribe to a particular religion, of course, you would be exposed to an emphasis to forgive just like [insert any prominent religious character] forgives.

There are two parts of forgiveness, seeking forgiveness (otherwise known as apologising) and forgiving. I don’t need to point out that they do not always come hand in hand, but just bear that in mind. Other than this, I don’t know much about the science of forgiveness. I strongly suspect, though, that it is more about us than the other person. This is true whether we are the party seeking forgiveness or the party forgiving. This is because we can almost all agree that forgiveness feels better. This is especially true when it comes to forgiveness in the context of close, ongoing relationships. Someone who is around us can be confronted, but this does not guarantee any form of conciliation because there is always a probability that this person would reject the said confrontation, resulting in a compounded anger, disappointment and basically, well, further (unnecessary) pain.

It is worth noting that what matters is the reason that we forgive or apologise. Let’s draw from a personal experience. I sought forgiveness from someone recently because I’ve caused this person immense pain. And this is the only fact that mattered, how I did so was not relevant, at least in the eyes of the person experiencing the pain. Despite the fact that it wasn’t my fault (a fact that was subsequently commonly agreed), I chose to apologise because this person was and still is one of the most important persons in my life, whom I’d like to be a part of my life for years to come. This person is worth fighting for. I got lucky and was forgiven (or at least, it felt that way). It doesn’t matter whether we are talking about a friend, or a lover, or any else, if we are not willing to fight for them, to go out of our way and make an effort to hold on to them, then we don’t deserve them because hey, obviously, we don’t want them badly enough. I hate to put it this way, but our willingness to fight for it, suffer for it and give up for it ends up telling us how important it really is. This is the kind of forgiveness worth asking for – because anything short of that just doesn’t cut it.

That said, it would be nice if someone who cares enough about you would say sorry, seek forgiveness because he/she is concerned about your welfare more than relieving his/her guilt. This possibility does exist, no matter how remote. In fact, I think most people would structure their apology so that they can be perceived this way. Very few people have the guts to say their true intentions out loud because society.

***

I think a relationship (in the general sense, including the romantic ones) that is dynamic and growing almost always requires a lot of energy, simply because it often involves more than two people, one of which is you. It requires you to learn to stand up for yourself, to fight for yourself, and to pick your battles, so that you’re not completely flat out before you get to accomplish your goals. Of course we all want a relationship that’s relatively low maintenance, but remember that a relationship that’s not being maintained is essentially dead.

The best relationships are often labelled ‘easy’ – but trust me when I say that they are still a lot of work. And even the best of relationships would have its broken moments. This is not just an example of ‘nothing is perfect’ (but it can get bloody damn close to it though), rather the persons who are able to break us are the ones that we love the most. Yes, it sort of sucks, really, because loving someone opens up the possibility of being broken by this other person. We do it anyway because love is worth fighting for; because anything short of that is quite possibly not love.

If you really think about it, the whole reason that we chose to engage with people in our lives, in addition to companionship, is to have someone who is willing to fight for you, or when they can’t, remind you to fight for yourself when it matters the most. These people may not necessarily fight for us with their fists (or kukri) in a blood-bath battle, but fight for us with the choices and decisions they make, especially in the way they plan and live their lives, how they forgive, and how committed they are in doing everything they can to grow the relationship.

For a lot of us, if we were completely honest with ourselves, because we hardly ever have to fight for anything, we never understand what is worth fighting for. This is certainly true for me. When things get too hard, I chose to walk away, jump ship, whatever you want to call it.  Walking away is a valid option, and more often than not, an easier option. Staying put, and forgiving, well, that’s a completely different ball game altogether.

This is often why being broken tends to be so devastating for us: being broken makes us momentarily forget what we were fighting for in the first place, and more importantly, it questions why we were fighting for it. We also forget how to fight for those things that are important to us. Or at the very least, we have to invent new ways to get up and get back to fighting for what we want, again. And again. And again. It is definitely a hard battle, most of the time, it is unglamorous, at times unnecessarily dramatic, and is fought over a lifetime. Now that’s a very long time.

Yet I feel that this battle is the only valid option, and it is not about saving the other person, it is about saving yourself. Forgiveness is when we love someone wholly, weaknesses and all – and this someone includes you. I believe this is the first step in how to unbreak: change your mindset and fight for yourself, because you need to trust that you are enough: good enough to fight for, and equally important, strong enough to fight for what you want.

However, some battles are not meant to be fought; some battles we need to walk away from. There are instances whereby our forgiveness happens in the form of us letting go. This usually happens in situations whereby we are mature enough to have perspective on someone else's life, but this same person isn't mature enough to have the same perspective on ours, whether this is due to insane jealousy, unrealistic demands, excessive selfishness or any other form of unreasonable behaviour. This is immaturity; this is not love.

I have said this previously: I have been lucky to have a loving stepmother. Anyone who's been in a similar situation would come to the same conclusion. A marriage with children that ended in divorce, that's subsequently followed by another marriage, would involve the presence of stepparents in the children's lives. When this happens, the best possible outcome is when the new stepparent becomes a positive influence in the children's lives. Anyone who's in their right mind would be thankful for this.

There are circumstances whereby one parent would strike at his/her children with emotional threats and blackmails in an ugly and completely unwarranted way, along the lines of "if you love me, you would not be nice to your stepparent". This emotional reaction is understandable, but its inherent childishness is not, and cannot be, excusable. As a child who are stuck in between, I would say from personal experience that this sucks, and it makes having a good relationship, or any form of relationship, with the parent playing these emotional games impossible. I do not wish to regress into an emotional black hole over and over and over again; I just want to be able to move forward without being bullied constantly. Seriously, the world is a harsh enough place, and it is made significantly more painful when disapprovals and frustrations come from someone who are supposed to set an example, but turns out to be the party who needs to quite literally grow up.

I guess sometimes we forget to grow up. Sometimes walking away is the only thing to do. The sad thing is that the person we walk away from often don't recognise that their unrealistic demands and bad behaviour are the very things that turn us away. Forgive them, anyway. And forgive yourself for preserving your mental health.