I like happy babies. And happy kids.

One of my good friends have just had a kid, as in the baby was born like today (at the time of writing). Most of my friends are with a child or two. Me, as another friend put it, I am in no hurry.

Yes, I did say previously that there is no point of being married if you don't procreate, as in, if one day I were to get married, then that is because I wanted to procreate. Turns out that my desires to procreate are like... err... non-existent right now, thus I don't see why I should even consider procreation in the absence of such desires. The worst thing one can do in life is to be a reluctant parent. Or I should have said, one of the worst things I could do in my life is to be a reluctant parent. Biological clock issues asides, an equally important issue is whether one wishes to be a parent or not.

Get this: whenever I come across as a cute photo or a video of a friend's cute baby, it always makes me smile. Without fail, every time. And yes, sometimes, I watch them more than once, in succession. I can't help it, it's cute, it makes smile, sometimes laugh, it makes me feel good, without me actually having to do anything substantial. Happy babies make you happy. Happy babies almost make me want to have a kid. Almost.

Of course these are also true: (1) happy babies are not happy all the time and (2) not all babies are happy. Some babies are happier than others, and some babies are more high maintenance than others (they are all high maintenance). Let's not go down to estimates, numbers and percentages as to what makes up happy babies versus non-happy babies, because that's not the point. The point is this: I only like happy babies.

It is obvious that happy babies are attractive, just like happy people are attractive - you know, happiness is contagious and all that jazz. So if I get to pick the sort of kid that I may end up with, then yeah, okay, I shall give it further consideration. Of course it doesn't work this way. I know that. And people derive this rather odd pleasure of telling me things that I already know just because I am putting forward an impossible alternative. Then again, it is only impossible until it's done. I don't wish to discuss this further, by the way, for fear that I may be labelled as playing God or anything along those lines. Or that designer babies are less of babies than their naturally designed counterparts. Whatever.

What makes babies happy? How much of it is nurture vs nature? I would like to think that happy babies are healthy babies, you know, the ones who are fed on a regular basis, poop on a regular basis (trust me, this is important) and sleep on a regular basis. I hate feeling hungry and I hate being constipated and I am always cranky whenever I don't get enough sleep. So I have a very low expectation of a happy life: if I am fed, have poo-ed and slept enough, then I am happy. [All of these plus a great husband, great friends and other great stuff make for a great life, to me. Other great stuff includes great shoes.]

Those are the physical stuff. The non-physicals are: independence, self-reliance and a good heart; plus a healthy sense of balance. I don't like babies who cling so desperately to their mothers, for example, I like the ones who are comfortable being around people (fair enough if they cry they run to mommy). I like babies who come over for cuddles occasionally, but spend most of their waking hours happily playing away on their own. And if they can share their toys, that would be even better. Wishful thinking? Probably. One can hope.

I am generally pretty honest about my stance on this matter, although this is the first time I have ever written this, ever. There are people who love kids, like all kids. I am not one of those people. If I see a kid who doesn't want to eat, you can bet your money that I will not be spending any time or effort to convince the kid to eat. This is to be differentiated from feeding kids who want to eat, which I have done a few times, thanks to having nephews and nieces. Actually, that's a lie. If they don't want to eat and they're supposed to eat, I ask the mum to change the food, and this usually solves the issue. There is no point forcing the kid to eat something they don't like. Seriously. Too much effort. I opt for the solution that requires less effort for me (okay, perhaps not so much the mum).

Side note: when I was looking for a title for this piece, I wanted to write "I like happy babies. And happy kids. And happy people" before I stopped myself just in time and deleted the last three words. Because I don't really want to write why I like happy people and because it infers that I dislike the opposite. I think, if we were to be honest with ourselves, and we get to pick our moods and the moods of the people in our lives, we all opt for the ones who are happy, who are positive. But life is not like that, we can't be happy all the time and we learn to offer support for our friends when they are not happy, in the hope that they would feel better. Anyway, if you want to comment, you gotta do so via Twitter (it's free!). For less heavy stuff, head over to Project Rum n Raisin, and instagram for some drool-fest.

... in which I conclude that I am superficial

[At the time of writing] I ate too much yesterday. April is definitely the month whereby people I love is celebrating their birthdays so I've been busy taking them out for food. When I go out to eat, I have a tendency to pick the place that serves huge servings of food, because I am one of those people who are perpetually hungry. Post eating, talking and laughing, it would be a given that we left feeling stuffed to the brim, and ... happy. That was bound to happen. We were hungry, we ate, we talked, we laughed, of course we were happy.

But this is not a post about how to be happy, there is a plethora of materials out there on the topic. Whilst I consider myself happy in general and often find myself in the company of some really happy people out there, I do not believe that by simply being happy makes us experts in happiness. I do not know how exactly it all started, you know, all those people claiming to be happiness gurus because they have written somewhere "how to be happy" as if it is one secret of life that you have to discover before you can be actually happy. It doesn't work like that. Happiness is not something you can easily throw your money to in exchange for an ever-lasting version. But perhaps, you can keep on purchasing temporary high-es and you can fool yourself into thinking that you are perpetually happy.

Happiness is a good feeling, and in a life whereby we are all conditioned to feel, given the choice, of course we all want to feel good most of the time. Of course we are all searching for happiness, or chasing happiness or whatever verb you like to choose - we all like to think that we are working extremely hard in the manifestations of our happiness. And for some of us, that thought alone is enough to sustain our happiness; that at least, we are doing something about it.

In their quest for happiness, the people I love are seriously considering finding that other someone to, you know, spend their lives with on a regular basis. This is no easy feat, as some of us may attest to. Yet it is definitely rewarding, so it is definitely worth doing. I was a non-believer previously and neatly scoffed when someone told me that being with someone [who is the right person] is better than being alone. Love can be so painful for those who do not believe. If you were to ask me how I find the right person, the answer is that I don't know; just because I have found someone whom I think is the right person doesn't mean that I know how to find the right person for others. It doesn't give me any expertise or authority on the subject. It only gives me experience, and perspective. I do not know what the formula for success is. I do not know how the universe decides to align all those factors for that union to happen. I do not know what I have done to deserve such good fortune. All I know is that I am very, very lucky.

Nonetheless, this journey of finding the right person is so personal to each individual that it is dangerous trying to generalise one person's perspective, experience and failures. I get that there are general characteristics that are exhibited by the different sexes in this planet, and that said, every person needs to be comprehended based on his/her own individuality. So, first and foremost, get to know this person that you want to be close with. Second, and this often happens as a secondary effect, you would get to know yourself a little bit better.

Case in point is this - I have always known that I am attracted to beautiful people, I mean, who isn't? And while I like to think that I am not that superficial, I am well aware that I can be perceived as someone who is. I can't help the fact that I am friends with beautiful people, because well, okay, my friends are beautiful, at least in my eyes (and that is all that matters to me, as in I don't really care about what other people think about us). Over the years, I have copped quite a mouthful from a number of people who said something along the lines of: are you only friends with beautiful people?

Honestly, is it so wrong that the answer to that question is a yes? I regard my friends are beautiful because they are good people, they are kind, loving, understanding and their presence always makes me feel better. Which is also why they are my friends. The fact that they are physically attractive is just an icing on the cake. I don't know what it is, I always find that people with good hearts tend to be somewhat physically attractive too. Perhaps it is true that inner beauty does shine through. As for the fact that we invest a lot of time into our physical appearance, that is just a hobby.

Physical appearance is a rather odd thing. It can be so offensive without any intention from the part of the individual to do so. I admit that when I every time I go out of the house, I would dress myself in a way that shows respect to the people I am about to meet. As in, I would not go out in my pjs. As in, I would put something decent on so as not to accidentally offend someone in the process. [Side note: whenever I wear my shorts, I always offend a stranger or two, mostly women. Bitch, seriously.]

Like it or not, physical appearance is the first point of judgment. When we are physically attracted to someone (a stranger), we want to get to know them.This is particularly true when you are in the journey of finding a potential life partner; this trend of lack of initial physical attraction is a deal breaker for a lot of people. I get that physically attractive guys have the ability to make their opposite counterparts weak at their knees, so they get an advantage purely thanks to their good genes (and healthy eating and exercise habits). Yet I would like to think that just because a guy is physically attractive, does not automatically make him attractive to me because well, you know people say beauty fades and all that?

So, superficial as I may come across, perhaps I don't place that much of an importance to physical attraction after all. Or perhaps I do, and I am in deep, deep denial. This makes me think about early days of dating with (then) le boyf (now husb). Basically I am shit at remembering a lot of things about my relationship (I suffer from the rosy introspection bias). I almost resorted to asking le husb about this whole physical attraction thing. But then, given that I would be the one asking the question, then I would have thought that he would say yes. I mean, uh, okay, there is always that possibility that he doesn't say yes, and if that were to happen, then I am pretty sure that I would feel really really shit. I can't help it, okay. I am shallow like that.

What I am trying to say is this: I get that physical attraction is a big part of the whole attraction thing, but surely, it is not the only thing that sustains the attraction? Let's face it, we are all edging one second closer to death, and that pretty much means we are subjected to this thing called aging. Last I check, aging is not exactly physically-enhancing. So why do we place so much emphasis on physical attraction.

AND, what does that mean to people who are not physically attractive? Gawd, don't give me this thing about how everyone is beautiful in their own way. There are some people who are not physically attractive and that is a statement of fact, not just on my part but on everyone's part. After all, for every person that you find good looking, you would find at least another one who is not.

Anyone want to help me reconcile this? Other than to tell me that I am completely, totally and abso-fuckin-lutely superficial? I'll be on Twitter. If you don't want to, that's okay, because there is instagram and my other blog, in which I engage in a whole lot more superficial stuff. 

The fourth date milestone

I am the last person in this planet who is remotely qualified to comment on relationships because I can never keep a straight face when stumbling upon relationship advice columns.

Currently, I am exposed to a variety of relationship issues simply due to the fact that I have a good mix of people in my life who are attached with kids, who are not attached but with kids, who are attached with a kid on the way, who are attached with no kids, who are not attached and want to be attached, and who are not attached and do not want to be attached. Each have their own sets of relationship problems, but today I want to talk about the last two groups.

The last two groups of people are the ones who are often the most confused when it comes to relationships. This is not so much because they do not know what they want, they do, and they have articulated it over and over and over again. The confusion stems from the fact that they just do not know how to read other person's behaviour.

There is this universal understanding that by the time it's the fourth date, you have a pretty good feel as to whether you want to be with this person (as in taking it to the next level) or not. I mean, what is the point in asking someone out so many times if you are not even attracted to them, right. So whether you make it to your fifth date is really the key here.

Because in the fifth date, supposedly, you have the are-we-taking-this-to-the-next-level kind of talk, after which you would discover whether you two are in the same page (or not) and then hopefully sort things out from there accordingly.

All of these sounds so juvenile, doesn't it? It is like who has that talk in this day and age? Answer: everyone who is single, apparently*. Because we cannot assume anything any more, and nothing is inferred any more: just because we've been hanging out does not mean we are an item because we never had the agreement, you got it? But it doesn't mean we have to abstain from fucking.

If I can put a word to summarise this, then that would be this: painful. For the most part, I do sympathise with all the singletons out there who want to be attached, who went on 4 dates and subsequently found that the person they had been dating is not interested in them, for reasons that are often related to something that they can control. And because of this, I am of view that if you've found love, well, you are lucky.

And if you haven't, go find out as soon as possible. Don't wait till the fourth date, it's a waste of time. You're either in or you're out. 

*I asked my then-boyfriend (now husband) if we had this talk, and he said yes. And ever since, I have been wracking my brain trying to recall that particular moment. I can only hope that it was a civil conversation. I mean, it must be, right, given that it's not that memorable. Surely, if it was like during one of our fights, then I would have remembered it? I have given up on trying to recall both that conversation and when it happened.

As always, on Twitter for chats, instagram for drool-fest and other random musings on my other blog.