I haven't written in this space for over a year. I have missed pouring my thoughts in this corner of the world wide web. A lot has changed in the months that passed. It is really weird for me to write this, but I feel like I am a changed person. I think I am doing ok, but from time to time, I miss the person that I used to be: she, with the nonchalant confidence, cruised through life as if there was no tomorrow, but planned as if she was going to live forever.
Truth is that we are all going to die at some point in time; it is just a question of when. In my most recent conversation about this topic, I was met with a tired audience: I am tired of talking about death and dying, they said. I don't blame them. Personally, I know that I don't talk about this often enough. We all like to take life for granted. We like to believe that we are going to live for a long, long time. Only when we are faced with the impending possibility of death, be it ours personally, or that of someone we love, then we start talking about it. The tiredness, I imagine, is not from the discussion itself, but rather, the emotional burden. The imminent pain that rears its presence uninvited, crippling the strongest of us, while we are left clueless, unable to deal with this clump in our chest and the tendency to burst into tears for a very good reason that is difficult to articulate.
Whenever I think about death, I realise that I don't celebrate life often enough. Birthdays aside, life is something that we ought to be grateful for, something to cherish, something to look forward to, something to enjoy. Yet, isn't funny that we tend to wait to enjoy life, as if it is something that we can only enjoy after we've done certain things. Then again, blessed are those who can actually enjoy life after they've been working all of their lives. Blessed are those who are still strong enough to travel, and can afford to do so, and are still enthusiastic enough to explore the wonders of the world. Blessed are those who look forward to discovering new things, and establishing new connections, and perhaps, rekindling old flames. Blessed are those who are able to say that they are finally happy, not because they were previously unhappy, but because they now know that life can be this good.
Clearly, life is not about immediate gratification. In the past year, I am grateful for the connections that have been revived, the people that I vibed with once upon a time are making a comeback, reminding me that whilst they know the person that I was, they like the person that I am much much better. This has brought a lot of comfort, because love of this kind is rare, but possible. I don't know what I did to deserve the kindness of this tribe, and I am so very very grateful. Believe me when I say that this isn't about the length of time that you know each other, but about the quality of the connection that you had once upon a time.
Yes, there are certain things that we can do that are independent of time, and this does not negate the value of time itself. Especially when time is what we have, or perhaps more accurately, what we yearn for. Because there is no substitute for time. Because a deep connection built over time is much stronger than one that has not stood the test of time. Because at the end of the day, what we really want is someone to turn to and say, do you remember that time when we did so and so? Not because we are fixated on the past, rather because at that point in time, our connection was strengthened.
Being this 'new' person is like building a new identity while at the same time maintaining an enthusiastic dance in life. Deep inside you are incredibly confused and lost, and despite all these, you move on anyway, leading your path where you thought you wanted to travel. You notice things that you previously didn't, not so much because they were absent, but because you were, and you didn't know that previously. When you are changing, you actually have to look at yourself; you actually have to get sober. Only then you have the ability to turn some negative experience into a positive one.
